ClubFloyd Transcript:
The Play by Deirdra Kiai
As played on ifMUD on Decenber 18, 2011

The idea behind ClubFloyd is that each week at a pre-arranged time, a group of people meet online to cooperatively play a game of interactive fiction.

Below is a transcript of The Play, written by Deirdra Kiai. The Play was originally released as part of the 2011 Interactive Fiction Competition, where it took third place. You can learn more about the game, including how to download it, by visiting the ifWiki.

WARNING! Below you will find a transcript of people playing this game, and it goes without saying that the transcript is full of spoilers. So, if you've never played this game, and think you might like to at some point, I do not recommend reading any further. Instead, you might want to return to the interactive fiction page.


ToyShop & Floyditorium
#ClubFloyd Discussion
 
Jacqueline says, "So, today's game is The Play by Deirdra Kiai."
Jacqueline says, "It's in Undum, which doesn't run on Floyd."
Jacqueline says, "Which means that I will be giving you all the text using the 'tester' account."
Jacqueline says, "Direct your desires to me here on the channel and I'll make the choice in the game and paste in the resulting text."
Jacqueline asks, "Any questions?"
Jacqueline says, "Okay then."
tester | The Kludge Theatre Presents
tester | Nothing's Fair in Art, Love, or War
tester | by JAMES DOUGH
tester | With
tester | KARL PAPADAKIS as the GLADIATOR
tester | VIVIAN WEST as the STATUE
tester | and BROCK MORGENSTERN as the ARTIST
tester | NOTE: Tonight, the part of the statue will be played by
tester | ERICA HARDING.
tester | Directed by
tester | AINSLEY M. WARRINGTON
tester | _________
tester | All right, Ainsley. This is it. Just one more run through the entire play, and we'll be all good to go. Never mind that your leading lady had a serious allergic reaction to the face paint and needed to be replaced at the very last minute. And for that matter, never mind that the rest of the cast has only had a grand total of two weeks to rehearse. The show must go on, yada yada yada, and because you are the brilliant and talented Ainsley Morgan Warrington, you will make it so.
tester | Well, you'd better, anyway, or your fading career'll finally extinguish into nonexistence and you'll find yourself having to take up substitute teaching or something equally horrible.
tester | "Right, then. From the top!" Jacqueline says, "oops, forgot to put in the hard breaks - will try to do that from here on out."
DavidW arrives, full of neither funk nor fun.
tester | Cast & Crew:
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue stands
tester | still on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She is surrounded by a
tester | dining couch, a cypress tree, a large urn, and several paintings on
tester | easels.
tester | The statue begins to fidget with her dress. A gladiator climbs through
tester | the window and does a double take at the sight of her. DavidW says, "I forgot to enter the toyshop. :)"
tester | "Hey, uh, Ainsley?" *Karl* stares straight at you with that typically
tester | slack-jawed look on his face. *"Is she supposed to be moving around
tester | like that?"* Jacqueline says, "So, here's the thing: choices have an * on either side of them."
Jacqueline says, "So right now, your choices are *Karl* (to look at him, presumably) and *"Is she supposed to be moving around like that?"*"
genericgeekgirl nods. "Let's look at him first, I guess, and if that doesn't offer anything else, say the other thing."
Jacqueline asks, "Does that work for folks, or would you prefer [brackets] or something?"
DavidW says, "I agree with ggg."
genericgeekgirl says, "I think it's fine. Whatever is easiest for you."
DavidW says, "The asterisks are fine."
tester | Karl Papadakis fancies himself a stand-up comedian - not a
tester | particularly good one, or so you've heard, but what do you know? You
tester | don't even like stand-up comedy. Either way, he's here because he
tester | wishes to broaden his theatrical horizons, so to speak. Whether he's
tester | actually broadening anything besides your capacity for patience is
tester | anyone's guess. Jacqueline says, "(You still have the other choice available.)"
genericgeekgirl says, "Let's do it."
DavidW asks, ">Is she supposed to be moving [etc]?"
Jacqueline says, "Yep."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
tester | Of course she isn't supposed to be moving. She's supposed to be
tester | standing completely still, just like one of those creepy street
tester | performers you keep seeing on the pier... you know, the ones who
tester | startle tourists with sudden movements.
tester | .
tester | You clear your throat. "What seems to be the problem, Emily?"
tester | .
tester | "Erica," she replies through gritted teeth.
tester | .
tester | "My apologies. Erica. Now, I understand you only just got here, so let
tester | me take the time to remind you that there are only two things you're
tester | required to do in this production - that is to say, stand as still as
tester | possible, and recite the correct lines. It appears as though you're
tester | having a bit of trouble with the former?" Jacqueline says, "Oops - forgot to put in your choices."
DavidW says, "We're so tactful."
Jacqueline says, "Your choices are 'Erica' and 'It appears as though you're having a bit of trouble with the former?'"
genericgeekgirl asks, "We're a stressed out director. We don't have to be tactful. Let's look at Erica first?"
DavidW says, "I choose >Erica"
Jacqueline says, "Note that I'll also be putting a line with nothing but a . on it because that's the only way I can separate paragraphs (so far as I can see) in @paste..."
DavidW says, "Understood."
tester | The producers had no budget for a proper understudy, so when Vivian
tester | had to be rushed to the hospital, it was up to you to scramble around
tester | and find a replacement. The only local actress available on such short
tester | notice was one Erica Harding, whose previous credentials involved a
tester | bit part in The Fallopian Fugues. Nothing near ideal - really, for a
tester | production of this low calibre, what could you possibly expect? - but
tester | she will have to do. DavidW says, "Glad we're not doing that show."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Hee. Now "It appears.."?"
DavidW asks, "I assume 'It appears as though [etc]' is our remaining option?"
Jacqueline asks, "Ready for the other choice?"
tester | "I'd be fine if this damn *dress* didn't keep riding up everywhere. Seriously, you should try breathing in this thing. It's like I've been shrink wrapped or something."
tester | .
tester | Hmm. Now that she mentions it, Vivian was quite a bit less... er, endowed... than the new girl. This does pose a problem. Perhaps you should *call on Henrietta for help*? Then again, the less time you spend on disruptions, the sooner you'll be able to get home for some much-needed rest. Might be best to *move along and deal with it tomorrow.* Jacqueline says, "I swear I will consistently get the formatting right by the time we're done. :)"
Jacqueline says, "So you have 'dress', 'call on Henrietta for help' and 'move along and deal with it tomorrow'"
DavidW says, "hm. Our first real choice, I think."
Jacqueline says, "Recall that you have four cast & crew, and right now they are all 'tired'"
genericgeekgirl says, "Look at the dress, and then I think we should be helpful about the dress. (call on Henrietta)"
Jacqueline says, "I will update you on the cast whenever you ask, or when things have changed."
DavidW says (to ggg), "Sounds good."
tester | It's a nice dress, coloured the same marble white as its wearer's
tester | makeup, but she's right, it does look rather uncomfortably tight. Come
tester | to think of it, it vaguely reminds you of that number you wore at a
tester | particularly memorable costume party, back in your university days.
tester | Oh, to have legs like that again... DavidW says, "Surely Henrietta can find a safety pin for us."
DavidW says, "oh wait, it's the other problem."
genericgeekgirl says, "Well, it's the opposite issue, I guess. Too constricting."
DavidW says, "(I misread.)"
genericgeekgirl says, "Not really sure what could be done now, but Henrietta has an extra day to think about it."
Jacqueline says, "Calling on Henrietta for help..."
tester | "*HENRIETTA*!" you bellow at the top of your lungs. If anyone can fix
tester | this mess, it's her. Right on cue, she drowsily stumbles in from
tester | backstage, her mousy brown hair looking even more bedraggled than
tester | usual.
tester | "Yeah, yeah, I'm here, *what happened this time*?" Jacqueline says, "Note that your choices from before were replaced with the new choices I just gave you."
DavidW says, ">Henrietta"
tester | Henrietta's your long-suffering stage manager. Most of your friends in
tester | the business wanted nothing to do with you after your fall from grace,
tester | but not her. She's stuck with you all this time, bless her soul -
tester | still as hard-working and eager to please as she was back when you
tester | first collaborated on The Ballad of Benji Benjamino over a decade ago. DavidW says, "oh good. She's an actual friend."
genericgeekgirl says, "Aw. Well, let's try not to piss her off =) "What happened this time.""
DavidW says, "yes, please let us not annoy Henrietta more than we have to."
Jacqueline says, "I am working on formatting the other choice you have right now. One sec..."
tester | "Seems like that dress is a touch too small for Erin-"
tester | .
tester | "Erica!"
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that's what I meant. Anyway, I'm going to need it altered as
tester | soon as possible. Preferably immediately."
tester | .
tester | Henrietta pushes her glasses up her nose. "Richard's already on his
tester | way to New York to do costumes for For All Intensive Porpoises."
tester | .
tester | "Well, can't you do it?"
tester | .
tester | "Me? Sew? You're kidding, right?"
tester | .
tester | You desperately wish you were, but truth be told, you're rather out of
tester | options. You could just *ask her to do something, anything to make it
tester | fit*. Or maybe there's *something lying around from a previous
tester | production*. Or you could, of course, ignore the dress and *get on
tester | with the rehearsal already*. genericgeekgirl says, "I'd say not the first. Either find something lying around or get on with it."
DavidW says, "agreed"
Jacqueline awaits your command.
genericgeekgirl says, "I just worry that we'll waste this rehersal if we don't do *anything*, since Erica is clearly miserable and affected. I guess let's see what we have on hand. (second option)"
DavidW says, "I'm leaning towards 'something lying around', yes."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
tester | "Sorry I asked."Henrietta was always much better with power tools than
tester | sewing equipment. "Could you just find something else she could wear?
tester | I'm sure I saw some leftover costumes backstage."
tester | .
tester | "Sure, I'll see what I can dig up. *Gimme a sec*." DavidW says, ">gimme a sec"
tester | Several minutes later, Henrietta returns, followed by Erica wearing a
tester | rather frumpy floral print sundress. You think you recognise it from
tester | last month's run of Much Alarm About Agnes.
tester | .
tester | "This was all I could find. Well, either this or a furry bear suit."
tester | .
tester | "It'll have to do, I suppose. We can always paint it white later. Now,
tester | come on, *let's get back to rehearsing, already*." genericgeekgirl says, "Hee. I wish we had a choice to go with the bear suit."
DavidW says, "ha"
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue wearing a frumpy floral print dress stands still on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She is surrounded by a dining couch, a cypress tree, a large urn, and several paintings on easels.
tester | .
tester | A gladiator climbs through the window, then paces frantically around the studio, mumbling to himself and looking for a place to hide.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (frozen in place, moving nothing but her lips) He never told me he was having a guest over.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (freezes in his tracks) What? Who said that? Who's in here?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Never met a talking statue before, have you?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... Mrs. Robertson!
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "*Er, Karl?*" DavidW asks, ">er, karl?"
tester | "Crap! Did I say that out loud? It's just... that's the exact same
tester | dress my fifth grade teacher always used to wear, I'm not kidding."
tester | .
tester | "Oh, so now I look like a schoolmarm. Wonderful." Erica crosses her
tester | arms in irritation.
tester | .
tester | "Well, if it makes you feel any better, she was kinda hot..."
tester | .
tester | "Ugh!"
tester | .
tester | Wonderful. Just what you need right now. Another potential *sexual
tester | harassment* situation on your hands. Question is, Ainsley, what do you
tester | do about it this time? Your first instinct is to *chew Karl out*, but
tester | then you think maybe it'd be a better idea to try and *smooth things
tester | over with Erica* instead. genericgeekgirl says, "Smooth things over? Seems like the less hassle right now."
Jacqueline asks (of DW), "You concur?"
DavidW says, "I'm worried that Karl will walk if he chew him out. But I don't want Erica to walk out either if we don't address this."
DavidW says, "I wish I knew what the *sexual harassment* option means here."
genericgeekgirl nods. "But maybe smoothing it out is just "we'll deal with it later" rather than entirely ignoring it?"
Jacqueline says, "Yeah, I'm not sure."
Jacqueline says, "I'm mostly just the editor here. I'll wait for you two to come to a common choice."
Jacqueline sits back and eats her leftover latkes.
DavidW asks, "The thing is, we might smooth it out with Erica the first time, but if Karl goofs up this way again, then what do we do?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ooh. Envy."
DavidW says, ">eat latkes"
genericgeekgirl asks, "Yeah, I don't know.. If he does it again, hopefully it gives us the option to chew him out then?"
Jacqueline says, "(inky had a Channukah party last night... waaaay too many latkes. Yay.)"
DavidW says, "I suppose we can try 'smooth things over' first, but I'm worried."
Jacqueline asks, "So is that a common vote for smoothing things over?"
genericgeekgirl asks, "I think so?"
DavidW says, "yes"
DavidW says, "(I really must find a way to visit Seattle one of these years.)"
tester | "Erica, darling, don't pay him too much mind. He's just trying to
tester | flatter you, awkward and misguided though his attempts may be. And
tester | believe you me, it could be much worse, and I say this from
tester | experience."
tester | .
tester | "Huh. Whatever." She shrugs and lets out a sigh. Well, that wasn't too
tester | bad. Sometimes, all people need is a little talking to.
tester | .
tester | "Right. Now, Karl, try that line again, and while you're at it, *try
tester | saying the correct words for once*." genericgeekgirl asks, "Is it updating the cast & crew status?"
DavidW says, ">try saying the correct words"
DavidW asks, "Good point? Cast/crew update?"
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... but... how?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He made me.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Who?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: ...oh. So you're not one of his...
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (paces around the room) Look. I don't really have any time
tester | to stay and chitchat. I need a place to hide. It's important.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't understand...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Erica throws her hands up in frustration. "Okay, *you wanna know what
tester | I don't understand*?"
tester | No, of course you don't, because as previously mentioned, you wanted
tester | to get this rehearsal over and done with as soon as possible. However,
tester | that doesn't stop her from continuing.
tester | .
tester | "Why isn't my character putting up more of a fight, here? I mean, the
tester | guy's basically breaking and entering, and she's just letting him.
tester | There's no way I'm playing yet another woman who stands there
tester | passively while the men get to do all the important stuff."
tester | .
tester | She does have a point, mind you - *James Dough* was never particularly
tester | known for his progressive portrayals of women - but with only one
tester | rehearsal left until opening night, *you can't afford to waste time on
tester | revisions*. However, you also can't afford to lose yet another leading
tester | lady, so perhaps it would be wise to *oblige her somewhat*. genericgeekgirl asks, "Find out who James Dough is, I guess, and we'd better oblige her this time?"
tester | Your mind flashes back to the one and only time you met the late James
tester | Dough in the flesh. It was at some party or other, ages ago. You were
tester | still rather young and at the very beginning stages of your career,
tester | and he was already getting on in years. Still, your impressions of the
tester | elderly playwright were never particularly positive; he stank of
tester | rotten cheese and you could have sworn he tried to take a peek beneath
tester | your friend Angela's skirt. Most other colleagues of yours seem to
tester | hold him in high esteem, however. DavidW says, "You want to rewrite a play? Not me."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, I guess not. Just worried now."
Jacqueline asks, "So the next choice is to oblige her somewhat?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Maybe not."
Jacqueline still has another latke. "Take your time."
maga says, "he eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe"
DavidW says, "I want >you can't afford to waste time on revisions."
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
maga says, "(speaking of which, this totally deserves a Moldy Cheddar. To the wiki!)"
DavidW says, "(this is the last rehearsal, after all)"
genericgeekgirl says, "A good actress (not that we know) should be able to improvise all on her own if she wants it badly enough. But let's see what happens if we say no."
tester | "She's a statue, Erica. She's supposed to stand there passively. Plus,
tester | thanks to all that time we just spent looking for a new dress for you
tester | to wear, there's really nothing that can be done about it."
tester | .
tester | "But..."
tester | .
tester | "Just keep on going, say your lines as written, and before you know
tester | it, this production will be over and you'll be able to play whatever
tester | strong female character you desire. *Karl, your line, please*."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Theyre making me fight an ostrich tomorrow! An ostrich!
tester | Im gonna lose, I just know it, and Im not ready to go, damn it! Not
tester | yet! (slumps on couch, burying face in hands)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: But its just a harmless bird, isnt it?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Harmless! Ha! You should see how badly it maimed the last
tester | guy. Those things sure can kick.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I see. Cant you just forfeit?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just dont get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | theyll just kill me anyway. Im nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over their faces for lunch
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hmm... *that definitely doesn't sound right.* DavidW says, "yeah, I wanted to say: Statues are true women."
DavidW says, "arent"
DavidW says, "damn typo"
genericgeekgirl says, "Gruesome."
tester | "Karl, darling, this is supposed to be a somewhat family friendly
tester | show. Cannibalism isn't called for anywhere in the script."
tester | .
tester | "Ack, did I just say... oh crap. Let me try again."
tester | .
tester | "*You do that.*"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just dont get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | theyll just kill me anyway. Im nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over the room while they sit into their high-priced seats
tester | and cheer and eat their lunch.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Thats the most barbaric thing Ive ever heard. Im so sorry.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: So, you see, thats why I need to hide. And whatever you
tester | do, you cant tell anyone I was in here, or else...
tester | .
tester | Complete silence ensues in response.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh, silly me. *Is this my entrance*? I'm sorry, I'd nearly fallen
tester | asleep." DavidW says, "You just know the actual show is gonna be a disaster regardless."
genericgeekgirl says, "Of course =)"
Jacqueline says, "(If you only have one choice I'll just proceed... delay is for formatting. I'm stripping out a bunch of smart quotes and stuff.)"
Jacqueline exclaims, "OH! By the way. Your C&C Status changed!"
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | Karl tired
tester | Erica flustered
tester | Brock tired
tester | Henrietta tired
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You whirl around and notice *Brock*, who appears to have returned from
tester | his extended smoke break. "Before tonight's dress rehearsal, I'd have
tester | said this'd be one of the top three dullest performances of Nothing's
tester | Fair... I've ever been part of, but now, I know it's easily the
tester | absolute worst."
tester | .
tester | "Brock, darling. How nice of you to join us. If you could just go over
tester | there and play your part with the rest of the cast, that'd be
tester | absolutely wonderful." You fold your hands on your lap, trying your
tester | level best to resist the urge to smack him over the head.
tester | .
tester | "Gladly," he spits back at you as he turns and *saunters over to the
tester | stage*. genericgeekgirl says, "Darn. *smack him over the head* should be a valid option."
Jacqueline says, "heh"
DavidW asks, "Shall we look at >Brock first?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
tester | What can you say about Brock Morgenstern, really? He's certainly the
tester | most experienced of this particular cast. Knows exactly what he's
tester | doing and gets right down to business, that sort of thing. That said,
tester | while the two of you were never on particularly chummy terms, he seems
tester | almost hostile to you these days. He's a close, personal friend of
tester | Langdon's. Go figure.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (off stage) Who are you talking to in there?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: No one! (whispers) Its him! Quick! Hide!
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Where?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (still whispering) I dont know! Anywhere!
tester | .
tester | The gladiator jumps and hides under the dining couch just as the
tester | artist walks into the room. The couch appears to wobble slightly.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hrm, that *dining couch* definitely looks a touch unstable, but then,
tester | what can you really expect for the almost nonexistent budget the stage
tester | crew's been given? Still, the script does call for at least one person
tester | to sit on it. Do you think it's *worth worrying about*, or do you just
tester | *carry on and hope for the best*? DavidW says, "This looks like more in Henrietta's skill set."
genericgeekgirl says, "Let's look at the couch. And.. we should probably worry about that couch. Maybe we can improvise with spare chairs or something, rather than let someone get hurt."
tester | You eye the couch: a near-perfect replica of a Roman dining couch, or
tester | lectus, as seen in myriad reference pictures, made using only scrap
tester | particle board, styrofoam, and paint. Yes, Henrietta and her crew do
tester | know what they're doing, despite the lack of any proper building
tester | materials. DavidW says, "Agreed."
Jacqueline asks, "So, *worth worrying about*?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
DavidW says, "yes please"
tester | "Henrietta, sweetheart," you yell in the general direction of the
tester | stage, "could you come back over here for a second?"
tester | .
tester | "What's up, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | "The dining couch over there looks like it's barely struggling to stay
tester | up. Anything you can do to help it?"
tester | .
tester | "Hmm..." She scrunches her brow. "The crew's all gone home, but I can
tester | try and give it some reinforcement, if you really need me to."
tester | .
tester | Do you think *it's a good idea to let her*, or should you *save her
tester | the trouble*? genericgeekgirl says, "I think we should do it. I thought it would give us the option to test it out a bit first, though."
DavidW says, "I vote 'it's a good idea to let her'."
tester | "Yes, that'd be wonderful. Thank you."
tester | .
tester | You watch her dash backstage and return with some tools and an armload
tester | of scrap prop material. Once Karl crawls out from underneath the
tester | couch, she immediately gets to work, drilling and hammering things in
tester | place. The girl's always been a natural at this sort of thing.
tester | .
tester | "There," she announces a few minutes later. "That should hold it."
tester | Karl rolls back under the couch and gives you a thumbs up. Definitely
tester | a messy, haphazard repair job, but at least it seems to be sturdy.
tester | .
tester | "Fantastic. *Back to where we were, then*!" genericgeekgirl exclaims, "Yay!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glances back and forth) Hmm. Empty. I could have sworn I
tester | heard someone yelling.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Oh, I was just talking to myself.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You never talk to yourself.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How do you know? Its not like youve come to visit me all
tester | that much, lately.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (walks towards couch) Like Ive told you countless times, Ive
tester | been busy. (sits down, facing away)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You hold your breath as *the dining couch creaks under Brock's
tester | weight*... DavidW says, "agreed"
tester | ...and sure enough, Henrietta's repairs keep it good and steady.
tester | Crisis averted. *Onwards and upwards*! genericgeekgirl says, "Awesome. Although, it begs the question of why they couldn't have done it properly in the first place.."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That's right, I almost forgot. You'd rather spend hours
tester | talking to what's-his-face instead.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You mean Tiberius? But he's not even finished yet!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: He "hasn't been finished yet" for months now.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (raises foot and points to it) It's his toes. You know it
tester | always takes me forever to get the toes just right. (stomps foot down,
tester | nothing happens)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You imbecile!" barks Brock. "*You're supposed to yell Ow*!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Uh, okay," says Karl from under the couch. "Ow."
tester | .
tester | "No, no, no, say it like you mean it! Or perhaps you'd rather I stomp
tester | on your foot for real; what do you think?" The vicious smile on
tester | Brock's face is starting to scare you a bit.
tester | .
tester | "It's okay, I'm sorry, it's all right, you don't have to-"
tester | .
tester | This looks like it could get out of hand rather quickly. Do you think
tester | you should *interject*, or would you rather leave them to *settle
tester | their differences on their own*? genericgeekgirl exclaims, "Interject!"
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline says, "Please confirm 'interject' given the new C&C status you just received."
DavidW says, "hm. I guess so. If Karl were more professional, I'd prefer to let them settle it on their own. I vote 'interject'."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah. Broken hands sound bad."
genericgeekgirl says, "Erm, foot. Or whatever. Fighting will put everyone in a worse mood."
tester | "Brock, I'll be doing the directing, here." You give him the sternest
tester | look you can muster.
tester | .
tester | "Siding with *whiny amateur hacks* over those with real talent, huh?
tester | Typical."
tester | .
tester | "I'm not siding with anyone. Karl, try and listen more carefully for
tester | your cue next time around. *Let's keep going*." genericgeekgirl says, "And Henrietta is probably the one who gets to take care of injuries."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Keep going?"
(from Jacqueline) genericgeekgirl says, "with duct tape"
Jacqueline exclaims, "See, me missing my queue there changed the whole joke!"
Jacqueline asks, "Keep going... with duct tape?"
DavidW says, "yeah *let's keep going*."
Jacqueline says, "Okay"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (stands up) Who was that?!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Probably came from outside.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Really? Because I could have sworn it came from under the...
tester | (peeks under the couch just as the gladiator rolls out and darts
tester | behing the urn) ...all right, so maybe it did come from outside. I
tester | must be hearing things again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he can't talk back.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh God, I hate this part," grumbles Erica. "I mean, I have to be like
tester | oh, why don't you love me anymore? and that's just so disgustingly
tester | whiny. Can't I say something else?"
tester | .
tester | Joy. She wants to improvise again. With the way things are going so
tester | far tonight, you've half a mind to completely give up and *let her do
tester | whatever she wants*. You do worry, however, about the other actors
tester | screwing up and missing their cues; this is, after all, the big
tester | physical comedy scene. You really think you should just *lay down the
tester | law* and make everyone stick to the script or else. Then again, a
tester | *more diplomatic approach might help instead*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl asks, "Lay down the law? Or try diplomacy?"
Jacqueline hums the Jeopardy! theme...
DavidW says, "I vote 'lay down the law'. If we head for improv, Brock may walk and we might get the author mad at us."
Jacqueline asks, "Lay down the law, then?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok."
DavidW says, "The tech crew really need the actors to follow the script too."
tester | "No! No improvisation, period. My patience is being tried enough as it
tester | is. *Come on, now*." DavidW says, "I can also imagine that if we let Erica improvize, then Karl will want to do it too."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he cant talk back.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Don't be ridiculous.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You're the one who's being ridiculous, locking yourself up in
tester | the other room with him all day.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at statue) Why can you even talk, anyway?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why can you?
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it) That's a
tester | completely different question. You're a statue. Statues can't- (trips
tester | over the gladiator and falls flat on his face)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Sorry! Sorry!" Karl panics. "*It was an accident, I swear!*" genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah. I wasn't suggesting letting her improv."
DavidW says, "y'know, I kinda want to recast Karl as the statue and Erica as the gladiator. That might solve everything. :)"
genericgeekgirl says, "Hehehe."
tester | "You... you moronic little..."
tester | You almost feel sorry for Brock. Well, not quite "almost". Barely even
tester | "a bit". The guy's been at odds with the rest of the cast this whole
tester | time - not to mention you - to the point that a petard-hoisting was
tester | bound to happen sooner or later.
tester | What do you say, then? Do you *blame Brock for his own misfortune*? Do
tester | you *snipe at Karl* for missing his cue to move, thus derailing the
tester | rehearsal yet again? Or do you *simply get them both back on track as
tester | quickly as possible*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - irritable
tester | Brock - irritable
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl says, "I think we should just try to get them back on track. No yelling at individual people."
DavidW says, "hmmm, yeah, okay."
genericgeekgirl says, "(That said. Karl isn't irritable yet ;))"
tester | "Let's *do that again*, please - and this time, properly. Karl, move
tester | away from Brock when he walks towards you. Brock, try not to trip over
tester | him. We've rehearsed this enough times, and I'd rather not have to go
tester | over it again, all right?" DavidW says, "yeah, if Karl goofs up again, then we can slam him."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it as the gladiator,
tester | still crouched, shuffles to the opposite side) That's a completely
tester | different question. You're a statue. Statues can't talk. At least,
tester | they shouldn't be able to. Everyone knows that.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts artist's attention towards her, gladiator takes the
tester | opportunity to crawl behind the cypress tree) Well, if it'd make you
tester | feel any better, I could stop talking.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good. Maybe I'll finally be able to hear myself think again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Fine!
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good!
tester | .
tester | The artist turns around and folds his arms. Awkward silence ensues.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Psst! Ainsley! *Is this the part where I sneeze*?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Yes, Karl."
tester | .
tester | "Okay. Just checking."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Suddenly, the gladiator sneezes.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at the statue) I thought you were going to stop
tester | talking!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: It wasn't... er, I mean, I wasn't talking, I was sneezing.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: But you're talking now.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That doesn't count. I was-
tester | .
tester | Just then, the gladiator somersaults away from the tree and careens
tester | straight into the pedestal, which then proceeds to fall over, taking
tester | the statue down with it.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | *Oh, drat*. And just when things were starting to go relatively
tester | smoothly for an instant, too. DavidW says, "what the?!"
genericgeekgirl says, "Hee."
tester | "Aw, crap," mumbles Karl, still dazed from the impact. "I was aiming
tester | for behind the pedestal, I swear!" Yes, just like you'd practiced all
tester | this time. Or would have, if you'd even had any of the props on stage
tester | available to you before tonight.
tester | .
tester | "Karl, you idiot!" Erica stares at him lividly. "You were trying to
tester | peep under my dress! I saw you! Ugh..."
tester | .
tester | "No! I swear, I..."
tester | .
tester | "That's *what they all do*, isn't it?" Brock sneers. "Accuse men of
tester | sexual harassment when they can't get their way." He fixes his gaze on
tester | you. "What are you going to do, Ainsley, fire him too? Good riddance,
tester | as far as I'm concerned."
tester | .
tester | Do you *dignify him with a response*, or do you *ignore his outburst*? genericgeekgirl says, ">throw hands in the air and walk out."
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - exasperated
tester | Brock - irritable
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline exclaims, "Well, at least Henrietta is relaxed!"
Jacqueline smiles.
DavidW says, "One does want to set Karl on fire or something."
Jacqueline says, "heehee"
Jacqueline asks, "So. Thoughts?"
genericgeekgirl says, "I.. have no idea. I defer to David."
Jacqueline says, "huh"
Jacqueline asks, "David?"
DavidW says, "I'm really not sure."
Jacqueline says, "Well, somebody's gotta at least be unsure."
DavidW says, "I don't like the 'what they all do' option, so it's either dignify or ignore."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Oh. Uh.. let's see. Erica is pretty upset, but siding with her on this sounds like a disaster. "Dignify him" suggests that it's the wrong answer, based on the wording. Ignore?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Not sure if ignoring would really get things back on track or just piss off everyone."
Jacqueline asks, "Even Henrietta?"
DavidW says, "Ignore sounds safest, I think, but I don't know if it's correct."
Jacqueline asks, "...so... ignore?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
DavidW says, "I don't want to ignore Karl, just ignore Brock."
DavidW says, "yeah, let's try ignore."
tester | 'Are you quite finished yet?' you ask calmly, once you regain your
tester | composure. 'Can we get on with the *last bit of the play*, already?'
tester | You're a professional, and your priority right now is to see this
tester | trainwreck of a rehearsal to its end. Silently, all three actors
tester | shuffle back to their places on stage. DavidW says, "ooh, score one for Ainsley."
genericgeekgirl exclaims, "Yay!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Forget it. Just forget it, all right. I need to go somewhere
tester | quiet right now. (walks away from the statue, while the gladiator
tester | peeks slightly to the side from behind her to see what's going on)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts the artists attention back to her, causing the
tester | gladiator to quickly duck) You do that. And say hi to whats-his-face,
tester | while youre at it.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (comes out from behind the pedestal as the artist walks
tester | offstage) Whats his problem?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Damned if I know. Sad thing is, he was always so charming and
tester | sweet while he was carving me. Hed tell me just about everything. Of
tester | course, once I started talking... well, you know the rest.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I think you should leave him. You deserve better.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "*Hey, Ainsley*?" Karl interjects.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | . DavidW says, ">grit teeth. "Yes, Karl?""
tester | "What's the problem, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | Erica lets out a groan. "Come on, Karl, I want to go home already."
tester | .
tester | "Actually, it's nothing. Never mind." Karl takes a deep breath and
tester | sighs.
tester | .
tester | "Well, all right, then. *Suit yourself*." genericgeekgirl says, "Good boy. He's learning."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Leave? I cant even move off this pedestal. Besides, he needs
tester | me. He may refuse to admit it, but its true. No one understands him
tester | like I do. This is where I must stay.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Youre right. And for that matter... (turns to face window)
tester | I should go. Face the music. Do what I was born to do and fight that
tester | ostrich. (turns to statue) That crowd sure isnt going to entertain
tester | itself, thats for sure.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: So youre not scared anymore?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Oh, Im terrified. But really, theres nothing else I can
tester | do, either. Somehow, realising that suddenly makes everything seem so
tester | much easier.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Yes, that makes sense. I... guess this is goodbye, then.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I guess so. (begins to walk back towards the window, then
tester | hesitates)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "And, uh, I'm *supposed to kiss her* here, right?" genericgeekgirl says, "Oh no."
DavidW says, "I can't watch. (peeks through fingers)"
tester | "That's correct, Karl."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | The gladiator moves back towards the statue, stands on his tiptoes,
tester | quickly kisses her on the cheek, then exits the way he came.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hmm. Well, that was certainly one of the most awkward kissing scenes
tester | you've ever witnessed, but it could have turned out much worse, you
tester | suppose. And would you look at that: you made it through to the *end
tester | of the play*! genericgeekgirl wills Erin^Hca to be nice.
DavidW says, "*end of the play*!"
tester | "Great job, everyone," you announce as you get up from your chair.
tester | "I'll see you all at 4 PM this afternoon, right here in this very
tester | theatre. And for the sake of my sanity and that of your fellow cast
tester | members, please don't be late."
tester | .
tester | With that, the actors, looking just as happy to go home as you are,
tester | start to *shuffle off and pack up their things*. genericgeekgirl exclaims, "Yay!"
genericgeekgirl asks, "How could this possibly still go wrong?"
tester | Karl heads out the door first, tired but relatively calm. "Bye,
tester | Ainsley. Seeya tomorrow."
tester | .
tester | Erica walks out in turn, crankier than ever. She wasn't great, but
tester | really, you expected as much. For now, you're just relieved that she
tester | *hasn't up and quit* the production, already.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Brock leaves next, pausing to glance at you before walking out the
tester | door, as if he wants to say something, but ultimately stays quiet.
tester | .
tester | Do you *speak to him*, perhaps in a last-ditch effort to make amends?
tester | Or maybe that's not *such a wise idea*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - exasperated
tester | Brock - irritable
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl asks, "Probably not a good idea..?"
DavidW says, "I'm leaning towards speak to him, actually."
Jacqueline says, "I think if we play through this again (and I think it would be interesting to do so), I will give you the status of people any time you actually have a choice of paths."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure, let's talk to him."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Something I can help you with, Brock?"
tester | .
tester | He pauses for a second, and walks out the door, not saying so much as
tester | a word. *So much for that*. DavidW says, "huh"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | . DavidW says, "I thought Brock was better than that."
tester | As you yourself prepare to head out on your way, you turn towards the
tester | stage. "Henrietta? Go home. Get some sleep. It's late." From
tester | experience, you know she'll probably wind up falling asleep in the
tester | theatre if no one tells her to leave.
tester | .
tester | Henrietta steps into view. "All right, Ainsley. Lemme go lock up
tester | first."
tester | .
tester | "You do that. *I'll wait for you*."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | As the two of you head outside, she grins at you. "Remember that time
tester | we did Smell Ya Later, Freddie Slater and that Arthur Whatsisface guy
tester | projectile vomited all over the stage? I gotta say, this wasn't
tester | anywhere near as bad as that, and we've still had plenty of work
tester | since. You gotta stop worrying so much."
tester | .
tester | You chuckle. She knows you well, and really, she's right. It could be
tester | so much worse. Setbacks happen, but somehow you manage to bounce back
tester | from them.
tester | .
tester | "Good night, Henrietta. And thank you again." With that, you amble off
tester | in your own separate directions, looking forward to a good night's
tester | sleep and hoping and praying that *nothing blows up tomorrow*.
tester | THE END
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | NOTHINGS FAIR IN ART, LOVE, OR WAR
tester | Kludge Theatre -- Really, what do you expect? A bare-bones rehash of
tester | the tried-and-true James Dough classic. Theres not much to recommend
tester | in terms of the acting, with stilted, chemistry-less performances all
tester | around; youll probably find more believable characters in a bad
tester | romance novel. Not particularly worth seeing unless youre a die-hard
tester | Dough aficionado, and even then, youd be better off renting the made-
tester | for-TV version instead.
tester | .
tester | -- J. Astrid Fleck, The Transient Weekly Jacqueline says, "I want you guys to play again, if only so that by the end of this I'm remembering all the formatting things I have to do in any given @paste I make."
Jacqueline says, "But a different outcome would be interesting, too."
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok. Let's see how many people we can drive off =)"
Jacqueline says, "That's one approach, yeah."
genericgeekgirl says, "I mean, I guess it end after one, but if we can get them to all quit at once? :P"
Jacqueline asks, "I wonder if you can achieve actual chemistry?"
DavidW says, "I imagine when one actor quits, the game is over."
Jacqueline asks, "So, you two up for another go?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
DavidW says (to Jacqueline), "okay."
DavidW says (to Jacqueline), "You're doing all the hard work, cuttin' 'n' pastin' and asteriskiskin'."
Jacqueline says, "It's not that bad, actually."
tester | The Kludge Theatre Presents
tester | Nothing's Fair in Art, Love, or War
tester | .
tester | by JAMES DOUGH
tester | .
tester | With
tester | KARL PAPADAKIS as the GLADIATOR
tester | VIVIAN WEST as the STATUE
tester | and BROCK MORGENSTERN as the ARTIST
tester | .
tester | NOTE: Tonight, the part of the statue will be played by ERICA HARDING.
tester | .
tester | Directed by
tester | AINSLEY M. WARRINGTON
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | All right, Ainsley. This is it. Just one more run through the entire
tester | play, and we'll be all good to go. Never mind that your leading lady
tester | had a serious allergic reaction to the face paint and needed to be
tester | replaced at the very last minute. And for that matter, never mind that
tester | the rest of the cast has only had a grand total of two weeks to
tester | rehearse. The show must go on, yada yada yada, and because you are the
tester | brilliant and talented Ainsley Morgan Warrington, you will make it so.
tester | .
tester | Well, you'd better, anyway, or your fading career'll finally
tester | extinguish into nonexistence and you'll find yourself having to take
tester | up ubstitute teaching or something equally horrible.
tester | .
tester | "*Right, then. From the top*!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue stands still on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She is surrounded by a dining couch, a cypress tree, a large urn, and several paintings on easels.
tester | .
tester | The statue begins to fidget with her dress. A gladiator climbs through the window and does a double take at the sight of her.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Hey, uh, Ainsley?" *Karl* stares straight at you with that typically slack-jawed look on his face. "*Is she supposed to be moving around like that*?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline asks, "I think if you only have one choice I will not asterisk it from now on. Okay?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
Jacqueline says, "I will, however, paste at that point, so you can read as I'm working."
genericgeekgirl says, "We can probably skip looking at things we've already seen, assuming they won't change."
Jacqueline says, "So, >X KARL, or just move forward."
Jacqueline says, "Timing."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
Jacqueline says (to DW), "You agree? If you guys both agree, I will just omit those choices this play-through..."
DavidW says, "Just more forever, thx."
DavidW says, "move forward"
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
DavidW says, "typo city"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Of course she isn't supposed to be moving. She's supposed to be
tester | standing completely still, just like one of those creepy street
tester | performers you keep seeing on the pier... you know, the ones who
tester | startle tourists with sudden movements.
tester | .
tester | You clear your throat. "What seems to be the problem, Emily?"
tester | .
tester | "Erica," she replies through gritted teeth.
tester | .
tester | "My apologies. Erica. Now, I understand you only just got here, so let
tester | me take the time to remind you that there are only two things you're
tester | required to do in this production - that is to say, stand as still as
tester | possible, and recite the correct lines. It appears as though you're
tester | having a bit of trouble with the former?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "I'd be fine if this damn *dress* didn't keep riding up everywhere.
tester | Seriously, you should try breathing in this thing. It's like I've been
tester | shrink wrapped or something."
tester | .
tester | Hmm. Now that she mentions it, Vivian was quite a bit less... er,
tester | endowed... than the new girl. This does pose a problem. Perhaps you
tester | should *call on Henrietta for help*? Then again, the less time you
tester | spend on disruptions, the sooner you'll be able to get home for some
tester | much-needed rest. Might be best to *move along and deal with it
tester | tomorrow*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired DavidW asks (of ggg), "Did you want to change this choice? Keep Erica in the too-tight fidgety dress?"
Jacqueline asks, "What do you, the director, want to do next?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Hm. Maybe see what happens if we ignore it? Probably not ideal, though."
DavidW says, "I suspect it'll go wrong, yes."
Jacqueline asks, "Deal with it tomorrow?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Erica will be annoyed, and Karl will still make an inappropriate comment. But let's try it. Alternatively, force Henrietta to deal with it *RIGHT NOW*, rather than put her int he sundress."
DavidW says, "well, it would be nice to have someone other than Henrietta fix the dress tomorrow, yes."
DavidW says, "The proper dress is possibly needed for any best ending."
Jacqueline asks, "Okay. So, to be clear: we're ignoring it for now and dealing with it tomorrow?"
DavidW says, "That's what I want to try, yes, if genericgeekgirl agrees."
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sounds good."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "I'll try and find someone to take care of the dress problem tomorrow.
tester | In the meantime, we have to focus on getting through this rehearsal,
tester | which is eating away at valuable time I could be spending sleeping or
tester | watching low-budget monster movies. Now, Emma-"
tester | .
tester | "Erica!"
tester | .
tester | "Whatever. I need you to try your best to act more statue-like,
tester | regardless of tight clothing. Do you think you could do that for me?
tester | Please?"
tester | .
tester | "Fine," she mumbles noncommittally.
tester | .
tester | "And Karl? If she does start moving around, at least try to pretend
tester | she's completely stationary."
tester | .
tester | "You're the boss."
tester | .
tester | "Excellent! Let's get on with it, then!"
tester | A gladiator climbs through the window, then paces frantically around
tester | the studio, mumbling to himself and looking for a place to hide.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (frozen in place, moving nothing but her lips) He never told
tester | me he was having a guest over.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (freezes in his tracks) What? Who said that? Who's in here?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Never met a talking statue before, have you?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... Marilyn Monroe!
tester | .
tester | "Er, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | . genericgeekgirl says, "Hee. I knew it."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Uh, maybe she'll be flattered this time?"
DavidW says, "We should be so lucky."
tester | "Oh, crap, I just said that out loud, didn't I? It's just... she looks
tester | exactly like that picture, y'know, the one with her standing on the
tester | air vent where her underwear's showing? Except she also looks like she
tester | has to pee real bad."
tester | .
tester | "Okay, seriously? Eeugh." Erica crosses her arms in irritation.
tester | .
tester | Wonderful. Just what you need right now. Another potential *sexual
tester | harassment* situation on your hands. Question is, Ainsley, what do you
tester | do about it this time? Your first instinct is to *chew Karl out*, but
tester | then you think maybe it'd be a better idea to try and *smooth things
tester | over* with Erica instead.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl asks, "Chew Karl out?"
DavidW says, "hm. I'd tempted to stick with 'smooth things over', but this is our 2nd run-through, so maybe 'chew Karl out'."
Jacqueline says, "Chew him out, then? Need two yesses...."
DavidW says, "yes"
Jacqueline asks, "...ggg ?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
Jacqueline says, "'yeah' will work"
Jacqueline smiles.
DavidW says, "That's a 'yes' spelt with an aitch."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Erica is flustered. The worst that can happen is she cheers up and Karl gets mildly upset, but otherwise Erica maybe gets more upset?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Very suave and debonair of you, Karl. I'm sure Erica's absolutely
tester | flattered by your lacklustre attempt at flirtation."
tester | .
tester | "Really?" Sarcasm doesn't appear to get through to the poor boy.
tester | You'll have to try a more direct approach.
tester | .
tester | "Let me spell it out for you: while we may not have a human resources
tester | department, this is nevertheless a professional environment. As such,
tester | I expect you to conduct yourself with a certain amount of decorum and
tester | respect, which most certainly does not include ogling your fellow
tester | performers. Am I making myself clear?"
tester | .
tester | "Y-yeah... sure... okay..." Karl stammers as you watch him visibly
tester | deflate. Erica, meanwhile, looks relieved - or at least, a touch less
tester | tense.
tester | .
tester | "Good. Now, try that line again." genericgeekgirl says, "Assuming we're trying for maximum harmony this time."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... but... how?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He made me.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Who?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: ...oh. So you're not one of his...
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (paces around the room) Look. I don't really have any time
tester | to stay and chitchat. I need a place to hide. It's important.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't understand...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Erica throws her hands up in frustration. "Okay, you wanna know what I
tester | don't understand?"
tester | No, of course you don't, because as previously mentioned, you wanted
tester | to get this rehearsal over and done with as soon as possible. However,
tester | that doesn't stop her from continuing.
tester | .
tester | "Why isn't my character putting up more of a fight, here? I mean, the
tester | guy's basically breaking and entering, and she's just letting him.
tester | There's no way I'm playing yet another woman who stands there
tester | passively while the men get to do all the important stuff."
tester | .
tester | She does have a point, mind you - *James Dough* was never particularly
tester | known for his progressive portrayals of women - but with only one
tester | rehearsal left until opening night, *you can't afford to waste time on
tester | revisions*. However, you also can't afford to lose yet another leading
tester | lady, so perhaps it would be wise to *oblige her somewhat*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl says, "I still don't think we should oblige her, unless you really want to try it."
DavidW says, "no, I agree. I think we need to stick to the script."
Jacqueline asks, "So, 'no time for revisions'?"
DavidW says, "yes"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "She's a statue, Erica. She's supposed to stand there passively. Also,
tester | as I'm relatively certain I mentioned earlier, we're extremely short
tester | on time."
tester | .
tester | "But..."
tester | .
tester | "Just keep on going, say your lines as written, and before you know
tester | it, this production will be over and you'll be able to play whatever
tester | strong female character you desire. Karl, your line, please."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: They're making me fight an ostrich tomorrow! An ostrich!
tester | I'm gonna lose, I just know it, and I'm not ready to go, damn it! Not
tester | yet! (slumps on couch, burying face in hands)
tester | STATUE: But it's just a harmless bird, isn't it?
tester | GLADIATOR: Harmless! Ha! You should see how badly it maimed the last
tester | guy. Those things sure can kick.
tester | STATUE: I see. Can't you just forfeit?
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just don't get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | they'll just kill me anyway. I'm nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over their faces for lunch-
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hmm... that definitely doesn't sound right.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Karl, darling, this is supposed to be a somewhat family friendly
tester | show. Cannibalism isn't called for anywhere in the script."
tester | .
tester | "Ack, did I just say... oh crap. Let me try again."
tester | .
tester | "You do that."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just dont get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | theyll just kill me anyway. Im nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over the room while they sit into their high-priced seats
tester | and cheer and eat their lunch.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Thats the most barbaric thing Ive ever heard. Im so sorry.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: So, you see, thats why I need to hide. And whatever you
tester | do, you cant tell anyone I was in here, or else...
tester | .
tester | Complete silence ensues in response.
tester | .
tester | "Oh, silly me. Is this my entrance? I'm sorry, I'd nearly fallen
tester | asleep."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh, silly me. Is this my entrance? I'm sorry, I'd nearly fallen
tester | asleep."
tester | .
tester | You whirl around and notice Brock, who appears to have returned from
tester | his extended smoke break. "Before tonight's dress rehearsal, I'd have
tester | said this'd be one of the top three dullest performances of Nothing's
tester | Fair... I've ever been part of, but now, I know it's easily the
tester | absolute worst."
tester | .
tester | "Brock, darling. How nice of you to join us. If you could just go over
tester | there and play your part with the rest of the cast, that'd be
tester | absolutely wonderful." You fold your hands on your lap, trying your
tester | level best to resist the urge to smack him over the head.
tester | .
tester | "Gladly," he spits back at you as he turns and saunters over to the
tester | stage.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (off stage) Who are you talking to in there?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: No one! (whispers) It's him! Quick! Hide!
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Where?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (still whispering) I don't know! Anywhere!
tester | .
tester | The gladiator jumps and hides under the dining couch just as the
tester | artist walks into the room. The couch appears to wobble slightly.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hrm, that dining couch definitely looks a touch unstable, but then,
tester | what can you really expect for the almost nonexistent budget the stage
tester | crew's been given? Still, the script does call for at least one person
tester | to sit on it. Do you think it's *worth worrying about*, or do you just
tester | *carry on and hope for the best*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl says, "Henrietta was pretty happy earlier when we let her fix it. We should maybe stick to that."
DavidW says, "yes. agreed."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "HENRIETTA!" you bellow at the top of your lungs. Right on cue, she
tester | drowsily stumbles in from backstage, her mousy brown hair looking even
tester | more bedraggled than usual.
tester | .
tester | "What's up, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | "The dining couch over there looks like it's barely struggling to stay
tester | up. Anything you can do to help it?"
tester | .
tester | "Hmm..." She scrunches her brow. "The crew's all gone home, but I can
tester | try and give it some reinforcement, if you really need me to."
tester | .
tester | Do you think *it's a good idea to let her*, or should you *save her
tester | the trouble*? Jacqueline asks, "We're letting her, I assume?"
DavidW says, "yes"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that'd be wonderful. Thank you."
tester | .
tester | You watch her dash backstage and return with some tools and an armload
tester | of scrap prop material. Once Karl crawls out from underneath the
tester | couch, she immediately gets to work, drilling and hammering things in
tester | place. The girl's always been a natural at this sort of thing.
tester | .
tester | "There," she announces a few minutes later. "That should hold it."
tester | Karl rolls back under the couch and gives you a thumbs up. Definitely
tester | a messy, haphazard repair job, but at least it seems to be sturdy.
tester | .
tester | "Fantastic. Back to where we were, then!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glances back and forth) Hmm. Empty. I could have sworn I
tester | heard someone yelling.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Oh, I was just talking to myself.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You never talk to yourself.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How do you know? Its not like youve come to visit me all
tester | that much, lately.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (walks towards couch) Like Ive told you countless times, Ive
tester | been busy. (sits down, facing away)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You hold your breath as the dining couch creaks under Brock's
tester | weight...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ...and sure enough, Henrietta's repairs keep it good and steady.
tester | Crisis averted. Onwards and upwards!
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That's right, I almost forgot. You'd rather spend hours
tester | talking to what's-his-face instead.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You mean Tiberius? But he's not even finished yet!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: He "hasn't been finished yet" for months now.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (raises foot and points to it) It's his toes. You know it
tester | always takes me forever to get the toes just right. (stomps foot down,
tester | nothing happens)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You imbecile!" barks Brock. "You're supposed to yell Ow!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Uh, okay," says Karl from under the couch. "Ow."
tester | .
tester | "No, no, no, say it like you mean it! Or perhaps you'd rather I stomp
tester | on your foot for real; what do you think?" The vicious smile on
tester | Brock's face is starting to scare you a bit.
tester | .
tester | "It's okay, I'm sorry, it's all right, you don't have to-"
tester | .
tester | This looks like it could get out of hand rather quickly. Do you think
tester | you should interject, or would you rather leave them to settle their
tester | differences on their own?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline asks, "Oops - forgot your asterisks: interject or let them settle it themselves?"
genericgeekgirl asks, "Did interjecting work out earlier?"
DavidW says, "Sorta."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Hm. Do you want to stick with that? Or see what happens if we let them figure it out?"
DavidW says, "I want to see them handle it on their own."
Jacqueline asks, "Handle it on their own, ggg?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "No, trust me, it's for your own good. You're going to have to learn
tester | to act sooner or later." You cringe as Brock reaches below, grabs
tester | Karl's foot, and steps on it as hard as he can.
tester | .
tester | "AGH! OW! URGH! IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"
tester | .
tester | "See? There we go. Much better. Don't you think so, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | Swallowing and wincing inwardly, you gesture at the cast to continue.
tester | "We really don't have much time. Let's keep going." DavidW asks, "Cast status?"
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - irritable
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - relaxed
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "yes!"
DavidW says, "I was hoping that would relax Brock."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (stands up) Who was that?!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Probably came from outside.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Really? Because I could have sworn it came from under the...
tester | (peeks under the couch and comes face to face with the gladiator, who
tester | is clutching his foot and whimpering in pain)
tester | .
tester | "...oh, you have GOT to be kidding me."
tester | .
tester | Uh-oh. This definitely can't be good. "Karl? Are you all right down
tester | there?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "...can't move... so much pain... argh..."
tester | .
tester | Oh, fantastic, Ainsley. Your leading man's injured, and right before
tester | the *physically demanding* part of the scene, to boot. What'll you do
tester | now? I suppose you could do your best to *soldier on*, but that might
tester | make things even worse. Maybe there's a way to *act around it*...
tester | .
tester | Or you could always *call on Henrietta again*. She'd know what to do,
tester | wouldn't she? Jacqueline says, "Your C&C status was just updated, so I won't repaste that."
genericgeekgirl says, "Act around it? :)"
DavidW asks, "What's the *physically demanding* part?"
DavidW asks, "Can we see that first?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, let's check that."
Jacqueline says, "Physically demanding. Got it."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | The whole next bit of scene - the part where the gladiator's
tester | comedically trying not to be seen by the artist - well, it's supposed
tester | to be the most iconic aspect of the whole play. It's what everyone's
tester | expecting. And you've already been working with Karl an obscene amount
tester | and then some, trying to get the timing perfect. This... completely
tester | ruins everything, to say the least. genericgeekgirl says, "Alternatively, let Henrietta deal with it and hope that helps."
Jacqueline says, "Same choices still available. C&C status unchanged."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, I guess it's better to try to fix it."
DavidW says, "I'm worried we'll un-relax Henrietta, but I think we should at least try it."
genericgeekgirl says, "This is totally her element. She'll be happy to help, maybe."
Jacqueline asks, "So, call on H again?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah"
DavidW says, "yes"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You summon Henrietta out from backstage. "Sorry to bother you again,
tester | darling, but our young gladiator here appears to be hurt."
tester | .
tester | She wanders on over to the still-struggling Karl. "Ooh, that doesn't
tester | look too good," she says, prodding at his foot with her fingers as he
tester | winces slightly. "I'll be right back. Lemme go get some ice and
tester | something to wrap that in." DavidW says, "If we're really really lucky, the TLC from H will make Karl happy."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Henrietta does exactly that, and after several minutes tending to the
tester | injury - not to mention several minutes of Brock pacing erratically
tester | and Erica standing around looking bored - gets him standing again.
tester | "Take it easy, okay? Don't put too much weight on it."
tester | .
tester | "I... I think I'm good, Ainsley." Karl limps a few steps. "Yeah, I can
tester | do this."
tester | .
tester | "Splendid. Back under the couch, then!" genericgeekgirl says, "Well, the ice and compression should help a lot, physically. So he'll be happier."
genericgeekgirl says, "If we didn't do anything about it, even if he gets through this rehearsal, it could have wrecked tonight's performance."
DavidW says, "hm. I guess, ideally, we want Erica and Karl okay with each other enough to get a real kiss from them."
DavidW says, "Damned if I know how to engineer that."
tester | ARTIST: (stands up) Who was that?!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I dont know. Probably came from outside.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Really? Because I could have sworn it came from under the...
tester | (peeks under the couch just as the gladiator rolls out and darts
tester | behing the urn) ...all right, so maybe it did come from outside. I
tester | must be hearing things again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he cant talk back.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh God, I hate this part," grumbles Erica. "I mean, I have to be like
tester | oh, why don't you love me anymore? and that's just so disgustingly
tester | whiny. Can't I say something else?"
tester | .
tester | Joy. She wants to improvise again. With the way things are going so
tester | far tonight, you've half a mind to completely give up and *let her do
tester | whatever she wants*. You do worry, however, about the other actors
tester | screwing up and missing their cues; this is, after all, the big
tester | physical comedy scene. You really think you should just *lay down the
tester | law* and make everyone stick to the script or else. Then again, a
tester | *more diplomatic approach* might help instead.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - relaxed
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl says, "Ok, good. Karl is happier, at least."
DavidW says, "This might be our chance to improve Erica with a 'more diplomatic approach'."
genericgeekgirl says, "Go for it."
Jacqueline says, "Okay"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Who says the statue even means what she says? She's just saying
tester | things so she can distract the artist, isn't she?"
tester | .
tester | "That's a complete crock of monkey snot and you know it, Ainsley.
tester | She's distracting him so she can save the gladiator. Either way, it's
tester | all just for some dude."
tester | .
tester | Not quite the effect that you were hoping for, but what's done is
tester | done. "Just say the lines, Erica. For the sake of my sanity and that
tester | of everyone else in this theatre. Please."
tester | .
tester | "Ugh. Whatever." DavidW says, "drat"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he cant talk back.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Don't be ridiculous.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You're the one who's being ridiculous, locking yourself up in
tester | the other room with him all day.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at statue) Why can you even talk, anyway?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why can you?
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it) That's a
tester | completely different question. You're a statue. Statues can't- (trips
tester | over the gladiator and falls flat on his face)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Sorry! Sorry!" Karl panics. "It was an accident, I swear!" DavidW says, "oh dear"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You... you moronic little..."
tester | .
tester | You almost feel sorry for Brock. Well, not quite "almost". Barely even
tester | "a little". That said, you can't help but wonder if this really was an
tester | accident, or retaliation for Brock's previous physical attack.
tester | .
tester | What do you say, then? Do you *blame Brock for his own misfortune*? Do
tester | you *snipe at Karl* for missing his cue to move, thus derailing the
tester | rehearsal yet again? Or do you *simply get them both back on track as
tester | quickly as possible*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - irritable
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl says, "Boo."
DavidW asks, "Blame Brock?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Isn't that just going to make him unhappier, without helping the others any? I guess it might bring Karl's mood up, but won't affect Erica either way."
DavidW says, "well, what would you pick? I think we need to take some risks to see what happens."
genericgeekgirl says, "I guess we can go for it."
Jacqueline says, "I took some training this week called 'Supervisory Excellence' at work. Watching you two think through these things harkens back to some of the videos we watched over how to deal with staff. It's rather amusing."
Jacqueline asks, "So. Are we blaming Brock?"
DavidW says, "I suck at this sort of thing in Real Life."
DavidW says (to Jacqueline), "please."
genericgeekgirl says, "I guess it'll bring Karl down at least. Ok."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Now Brock, if you wanted Karl to get out of the way quickly enough,
tester | you should've thought about that before you mangled his foot."
tester | .
tester | "I didn't step on it that hard! It's not my fault that oaf can't take
tester | a little pain!"
tester | .
tester | "Either way, try and watch for obstacles before careening to the floor
tester | next time, all right?"
tester | .
tester | "Goddammit. Don't tell me what to do, Ainsley. I know what I'm doing.
tester | Just... ugh." DavidW says, "hm."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it as the gladiator,
tester | still crouched, shuffles to the opposite side) That's a completely
tester | different question. You're a statue. Statues cant talk. At least,
tester | they shouldnt be able to. Everyone knows that.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts artists attention towards her, gladiator takes the
tester | opportunity to crawl behind the cypress tree) Well, if itd make you
tester | feel any better, I could stop talking.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good. Maybe Ill finally be able to hear myself think again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Fine!
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good!
tester | .
tester | The artist turns around and folds his arms. Awkward silence ensues.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Psst! Ainsley! Is this the part where I sneeze?" DavidW says, "That's less pleasant than I was hoping for."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Yes, Karl."
tester | .
tester | "Okay. Just checking."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Suddenly, the gladiator sneezes.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at the statue) I thought you were going to stop
tester | talking!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: It wasnt... er, I mean, I wasnt talking, I was sneezing.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: But youre talking now.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That doesnt count. I was-
tester | .
tester | Just then, the gladiator somersaults away from the tree and careens
tester | straight into the pedestal, which then proceeds to fall over, taking
tester | the statue down with it.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Oh, drat. And just when things were starting to go relatively smoothly
tester | for an instant, too.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Aw, crap," mumbles Karl, still dazed from the impact. "I was aiming
tester | for behind the pedestal, I swear!" Yes, just like you'd practiced all
tester | this time. Or would have, if you'd even had any of the props on stage
tester | available to you before tonight.
tester | Erica attempts to pull herself up to a standing position, but as she
tester | does so, a clearly audible ripping noise lets out - it would appear
tester | that the too-tight dress you were in too much of a hurry to deal with
tester | at the start of rehearsal has now completely split down the middle of
tester | her back. Terrific.
tester | "See, I told you it was too tight! You'd think someone around here
tester | would actually listen to me for a change, but noooo..."
tester | "Ooh, the plot thickens!" Brock chortles mockingly and fixes his gaze
tester | on you. "What do you think she'll do now, Ainsley? Accuse us all of
tester | sexual harassment? That's *what all girls do* when they can't get
tester | their way, isn't it?"
tester | Do you *dignify him with a response*, or do you *ignore his outburst*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - exasperated
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline giggles.
genericgeekgirl says, "Dignify will probably make him feel better, but I think we're going to lose Erica either way."
DavidW says, "hm. I haven't seen much to make Erica happy."
DavidW says, "Maybe we do have to let her (ugh) improvize, at least a little bit."
DavidW asks, "um. Shall we try the dignify option this time?"
Jacqueline looks at ggg.
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure"
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "What exactly is it you're insinuating, Brock?"
tester | .
tester | "Why'd you have to screw him over, Ainsley? Langdon's a talented actor
tester | with a great future ahead of him. Any director would be honoured to
tester | work with him, but you... you just couldn't see past your own washed-
tester | out irrelevance, so you had to take it out on-"
tester | .
tester | "She was afraid to show up to rehearsals!"
tester | .
tester | "She was just some chick. Get over it. There's a million of them lined
tester | up to take her place... there always is."
tester | .
tester | You just stand there, shaken and speechless, desperately wanting to
tester | tell him what an ignorant fool he's being, yet knowing any attempt at
tester | explanation would be completely futile. genericgeekgirl says, "Ugh."
tester | "Okay, that's it," yells Erica before anyone else can say anything.
tester | "I'm done with this pathetic excuse for a play. Go find someone else
tester | to be your stupid statue." With that, she pulls the remains of her
tester | dress back over herself and storms off the stage.
tester | .
tester | "Erica, wait!" you protest, but it doesn't seem to do much in the way
tester | of good. Nice job, Ainsley. Where are you going to find yet another
tester | actress to take on this role with opening night happening in just a
tester | few hours? Even you aren't capable of pulling such magic out of thin
tester | air. I hope you're happy.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | THE END Jacqueline says, "Sadly, I have no means to UNDO."
genericgeekgirl says, "The best you can do is save a single game and go back to that branch."
Jacqueline says, "Oh, true. If you folks ever want me to save, let me know. It does appear that I have that option."
Jacqueline asks, ">RESTART ?"
DavidW says, "I'm game if ggg is."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
DavidW says, "I want a quick 3 minute washroom break, though."
Jacqueline says, "It'll take me that long to get you to a choice. Go for it."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | The Kludge Theatre Presents
tester | Nothing's Fair in Art, Love, or War
tester | .
tester | by JAMES DOUGH
tester | .
tester | With
tester | KARL PAPADAKIS as the GLADIATOR
tester | VIVIAN WEST as the STATUE
tester | and BROCK MORGENSTERN as the ARTIST
tester | .
tester | NOTE: Tonight, the part of the statue will be played by ERICA HARDING.
tester | .
tester | Directed by
tester | AINSLEY M. WARRINGTON
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | All right, Ainsley. This is it. Just one more run through the entire
tester | play, and we'll be all good to go. Never mind that your leading lady
tester | had a serious allergic reaction to the face paint and needed to be
tester | replaced at the very last minute. And for that matter, never mind that
tester | the rest of the cast has only had a grand total of two weeks to
tester | rehearse. The show must go on, yada yada yada, and because you are the
tester | brilliant and talented Ainsley Morgan Warrington, you will make it so.
tester | .
tester | Well, you'd better, anyway, or your fading career'll finally
tester | extinguish into nonexistence and you'll find yourself having to take
tester | up substitute teaching or something equally horrible.
tester | .
tester | "Right, then. From the top!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue stands
tester | still on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She is surrounded by a
tester | dining couch, a cypress tree, a large urn, and several paintings on
tester | easels.
tester | .
tester | The statue begins to fidget with her dress. A gladiator climbs through
tester | the window and does a double take at the sight of her.
tester | .
tester | "Hey, uh, Ainsley?" Karl stares straight at you with that typically
tester | slack-jawed look on his face. "Is she supposed to be moving around
tester | like that?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Of course she isn't supposed to be moving. She's supposed to be
tester | standing completely still, just like one of those creepy street
tester | performers you keep seeing on the pier... you know, the ones who
tester | startle tourists with sudden movements.
tester | .
tester | You clear your throat. "What seems to be the problem, Emily?"
tester | .
tester | "Erica," she replies through gritted teeth.
tester | .
tester | "My apologies. Erica. Now, I understand you only just got here, so let
tester | me take the time to remind you that there are only two things you're
tester | required to do in this production - that is to say, stand as still as
tester | possible, and recite the correct lines. It appears as though you're
tester | having a bit of trouble with the former?" DavidW says, "back"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "I'd be fine if this damn dress didn't keep riding up everywhere.
tester | Seriously, you should try breathing in this thing. It's like I've been
tester | shrink wrapped or something."
tester | .
tester | Hmm. Now that she mentions it, Vivian was quite a bit less... er,
tester | endowed... than the new girl. This does pose a problem. Perhaps you
tester | should *call on Henrietta for help*? Then again, the less time you
tester | spend on disruptions, the sooner you'll be able to get home for some
tester | much-needed rest. Might be best to *move along and deal with it
tester | tomorrow*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline says (to DW), "Perfect timing. Just reached your first choice."
DavidW asks, "hm. Is there a way to keep this dress and not have it rip later?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Maybe. But it might be best to just go with the change of dress. It didn't seem to have any negative outcomes, since Karl will make a comment either way."
DavidW asks, "oh. Why don't we call H (to show Erica we were listening), then send H away when we learn it's not her forte?"
genericgeekgirl says, "But that won't stop the dress from ripping."
DavidW says, "I know, but still, it'll reduce Erica's problems."
genericgeekgirl says, "Will it? I guess we can try."
genericgeekgirl says, "I guess she'll believe we made an attempt and not blame us too much."
Jacqueline asks, "So, call H, then send her away?"
DavidW says, "Yes. That's my new plan. :)"
genericgeekgirl says, "Hee. All right. Sure."
DavidW says, "Mollify Erica and not piss off H."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "HENRIETTA!" you bellow at the top of your lungs. If anyone can fix
tester | this mess, it's her. Right on cue, she drowsily stumbles in from
tester | backstage, her mousy brown hair looking even more bedraggled than
tester | usual.
tester | .
tester | "Yeah, yeah, I'm here, what happened this time?"
tester | .
tester | "Seems like that dress is a touch too small for Erin-"
tester | .
tester | "Erica!"
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that's what I meant. Anyway, I'm going to need it altered as
tester | soon as possible. Preferably immediately."
tester | .
tester | Henrietta pushes her glasses up her nose. "Richard's already on his
tester | way to New York to do costumes for For All Intensive Porpoises."
tester | .
tester | "Well, can't you do it?"
tester | .
tester | "Me? Sew? You're kidding, right?"
tester | .
tester | You desperately wish you were, but truth be told, you're rather out of
tester | options. You could just ask her to do something, anything to make it
tester | fit. Or maybe there's something lying around from a previous
tester | production. Or you could, of course, ignore the dress and get on with
tester | the rehearsal already. genericgeekgirl asks, "Maybe save and see what changes?"
Jacqueline asks, "Getting on with the rehearsal... but saving first?"
DavidW says, "okay"
Jacqueline says, "Okay, hitting save, then getting on with the rehearsal."
tester | You decide not to bother Henrietta after all. Poor dear's been working
tester | sixteen-hour days and depleting the theatre's coffee supply at an
tester | astronomical rate. Least you could do is give her somewhat of a break.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "I'll try and find someone to take care of the dress problem tomorrow.
tester | In the meantime, we have to focus on getting through this rehearsal,
tester | which is eating away at valuable time I could be spending sleeping or
tester | watching low-budget monster movies. Now, Emma-"
tester | .
tester | "Erica!"
tester | .
tester | "Whatever. I need you to try your best to act more statue-like,
tester | regardless of tight clothing. Do you think you could do that for me?
tester | Please?"
tester | .
tester | "Fine," she mumbles noncommittally.
tester | .
tester | "And Karl? If she does start moving around, at least try to pretend
tester | she's completely stationary."
tester | .
tester | "You're the boss."
tester | .
tester | "Excellent! Let's get on with it, then!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | A gladiator climbs through the window, then paces frantically around
tester | the studio, mumbling to himself and looking for a place to hide.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (frozen in place, moving nothing but her lips) He never told
tester | me he was having a guest over.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (freezes in his tracks) What? Who said that? Who's in here?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Never met a talking statue before, have you?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... Marilyn Monroe!
tester | .
tester | "Er, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh, crap, I just said that out loud, didn't I? It's just... she looks
tester | exactly like that picture, y'know, the one with her standing on the
tester | air vent where her underwear's showing? Except she also looks like she
tester | has to pee real bad."
tester | .
tester | "Okay, seriously? Eeugh." Erica crosses her arms in irritation.
tester | .
tester | Wonderful. Just what you need right now. Another potential *sexual
tester | harassment* situation on your hands. Question is, Ainsley, what do you
tester | do about it this time? Your first instinct is to *chew Karl out*, but
tester | then you think maybe it'd be a better idea to try and *smooth things
tester | over with Erica* instead.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - flustered
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline asks, "Chew him out again?"
DavidW says (to ggg), "I'll agree with whatever you decide here."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah. Chew him out."
Jacqueline says, "'kay"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Very suave and debonair of you, Karl. I'm sure Erica's absolutely
tester | flattered by your lacklustre attempt at flirtation."
tester | .
tester | "Really?" Sarcasm doesn't appear to get through to the poor boy.
tester | You'll have to try a more direct approach.
tester | .
tester | "Let me spell it out for you: while we may not have a human resources
tester | department, this is nevertheless a professional environment. As such,
tester | I expect you to conduct yourself with a certain amount of decorum and
tester | respect, which most certainly does not include ogling your fellow
tester | performers. Am I making myself clear?"
tester | .
tester | "Y-yeah... sure... okay..." Karl stammers as you watch him visibly
tester | deflate. Erica, meanwhile, looks relieved - or at least, a touch less
tester | tense.
tester | .
tester | "Good. Now, try that line again."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... but... how?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He made me.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Who?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: ...oh. So you're not one of his...
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (paces around the room) Look. I don't really have any time
tester | to stay and chitchat. I need a place to hide. It's important.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't understand...
tester | .
tester | Erica throws her hands up in frustration. "Okay, you wanna know what I
tester | don't understand?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | No, of course you don't, because as previously mentioned, you wanted
tester | to get this rehearsal over and done with as soon as possible. However,
tester | that doesn't stop her from continuing.
tester | .
tester | "Why isn't my character putting up more of a fight, here? I mean, the
tester | guy's basically breaking and entering, and she's just letting him.
tester | There's no way I'm playing yet another woman who stands there
tester | passively while the men get to do all the important stuff."
tester | .
tester | She does have a point, mind you - James Dough was never particularly
tester | known for his progressive portrayals of women - but with only one
tester | rehearsal left until opening night, *you can't afford to waste time on
tester | revisions*. However, you also can't afford to lose yet another leading
tester | lady, so perhaps it would be wise to *oblige her somewhat*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl asks, "Have we tried revisions here yet?"
Jacqueline says, "Nope."
Jacqueline says, "But ya could."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Shall we, DW?"
DavidW says, "We might want to try a revision here or at the other point."
DavidW says, "I don't want to, but it's looking like the only route to making Erica happier."
genericgeekgirl nods. "Save again first?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Maybe it'll go smashingly well."
Jacqueline asks (of ggg), "So I hit 'erase' and then 'save,' I guess?"
genericgeekgirl says, "You can just hit save, and it'll automatically overwrite. Erase is so you can completely start over."
Jacqueline asks, "Okay. And the choice is to save, then opt for revisions?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
DavidW says, "okay"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "She's a statue, Erica. She's supposed to stand there passively. Also,
tester | as I'm relatively certain I mentioned earlier, we're extremely short
tester | on time."
tester | .
tester | "But..."
tester | .
tester | "Just keep on going, say your lines as written, and before you know
tester | it, this production will be over and you'll be able to play whatever
tester | strong female character you desire. Karl, your line, please." Jacqueline asks, "Wait. Did I hit the wrong thing?"
DavidW says, "That wasn't our choice"
Jacqueline says, "Timing."
Jacqueline says, "One sec. (Hooray for saving!)"
Jacqueline says, "Got it. One sec for the @paste..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Well, it certainly couldn't hurt to give Dough's tired old script a
tester | fresh new interpretation. A sly smile forms across your lips. "All
tester | right, Erica. What do you suggest she do instead?"
tester | .
tester | "I dunno. Something. Anything, I guess."
tester | .
tester | "Come on, now, give me an example. Show me." As far as you're
tester | concerned, if there's rewriting to be done, you're not going to be the
tester | one to do it.
tester | .
tester | "What do you mean?"
tester | .
tester | "You're an actress, aren't you? Improvise."
tester | .
tester | "Well, okay..." DavidW says, "Erica says, "I didn't know you were going to ask me to think of something!""
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: What? But they-
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (raises voice) You're trespassing on private property. The
tester | local authorities will be here any minute now. Leave immediately and
tester | no one will get hurt.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: They're making-
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You heard me. Leave. Now.
tester | .
tester | "Aw man, now what am I supposed to do?"
tester | .
tester | For a stand-up comedian, Karl's improvisational skills sadly appear
tester | somewhat lacking. You could just tell him to *put himself in the
tester | character's shoes*, or perhaps you could attempt to *play the
tester | situation to his strengths*. Then again, you're also starting to think
tester | to yourself that *sticking to the script was the better idea, after
tester | all*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl asks, "To his strengths? Or should we go back to the script?"
Jacqueline says, "Wow. Erica is relaxed."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
DavidW says, "I vote strengths. Maybe Karl has something."
Jacqueline says, "That would have been more amusing if you had left the -ing off the end, David."
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
Jacqueline says, "er, the -thing, rather. Bah."
DavidW asks, "'someth'?"
Jacqueline says, "Timing. Yes. We need a typo tally in here, not just the lounge."
Jacqueline asks, "So, let him play to his strengths?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes"
DavidW says, "well, if we let him put himself in the shoes, he'll just leave. :("
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Karl, put those supposed comedy skills of yours to good use. Why
tester | don't you tell a joke or something?"
tester | .
tester | "A joke! I can tell a joke. Let's see, uh..."
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You know, this reminds me of the last time I got the cops
tester | called on me. It was the night I snuck into that bachelorette party.
tester | 'Course, later on, I found out they were just the entertainment...
tester | .
tester | "Ainsley, what in the name of George Bernard Shaw do you think you're
tester | doing?" DavidW says, "And that'll be Brock."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You whirl around and notice Brock, who seems to have just returned
tester | from his extended smoke break. "I don't know what shoddy script you're
tester | reading, but I was under the impression that we were supposed to be
tester | rehearsing Nothing's Fair..."
tester | .
tester | He smugly smiles as you feel your face turning a bright shade of red.
tester | On one level, *you do agree with him, sort of*. On many other levels,
tester | however, *you don't particularly want to*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired
Ellison arrives, full of fun and funk. Jacqueline asks, "So, do you agree with him, or not?"
Ellison says, "whoa, you guys set up a way to do The Play? that is crazy"
Lionheart arrives, full of funk, but no fun. DavidW says, "Disagree to block, Peter."
Jacqueline says (to Ellison), "It is called 'the olde fashioned way'"
DavidW says (to Ellison), "Jacqueline's cutting and pasting by hand!"
Ellison says, "oh, I retract my admiration!"
Jacqueline asks, "So, you're going for 'you don't particularly want to' then?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, I think so."
DavidW says, "yes please."
Jacqueline exclaims (at Ellison), "Hey! This is a lot of work! Worthy of your admiration!"
genericgeekgirl asks, "Agreeing will annoy Erica and maybe Karl, but agreeing probably won't annoy Brock much?"
Ellison says, "yeah, ok, I admire that"
genericgeekgirl says, "I mean "disagreeing propbably won't""
DavidW says, "I think it'll annoy Brock tons, actually."
genericgeekgirl says, "Well I don't know. We can try it."
DavidW says, "er, that disagreeing with annoy Brock."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Brock, did I ask you to share your brilliant insights? Did I even ask
tester | you to say anything at all? No? Then I think you'd do well to let me
tester | do the directing, here."
tester | .
tester | "Suit yourself. If you're really so desperate for yet another box
tester | office flop, I won't get in your way." With that, he storms back
tester | outside in a huff.
tester | .
tester | "Right," you mumble. "Now, where were we, again?" DavidW says, "er will"
genericgeekgirl exclaims, "Well, I didn't expect us to be so mean about it!"
tester | GLADIATOR: They're making me fight an ostrich tomorrow! An ostrich!
tester | I'm gonna lose, I just know it, and I'm not ready to go, damn it! Not
tester | yet! (slumps on couch, burying face in hands)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Pfft. You're seriously getting all worked up about an ostrich?
tester | What kind of coward are you?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Well, uh, lady... I'll have you know that ostriches are
tester | some of the most horrible, ferocious beasts in all of Rome! And they
tester | sure can kick. I should know; I used to be married to one.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: And you're sure it wasn't just because you were hogging the
tester | covers?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Okay, so it gets cold in these shoddy excuses for houses.
tester | Sue me.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hrmph. All this improvisation is nice and all, but it seems to be
tester | veering a bit off track; you still have to get to the part where the
tester | statue's artist shows up, after all. Should you *speak up and say
tester | something*, or *just trust that they'll get there on their own*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - tired DavidW says, "The thing is, though, there can only be one director for a show. If everyone does their own thing, it's just chaos."
genericgeekgirl says, "Well. Technically you can co-direct. But in this case, yeah."
DavidW asks, "Shall we 'speak up'?"
Jacqueline says (to Ellison), "Thank you for your admiration, btw. I'm basking."
Jacqueline asks, "So, speak up, or let 'er ride?"
Jacqueline says, "I'm lookin' at you, ggg."
genericgeekgirl says, "Speak up."
Jacqueline says, "Okay. Speaking up."
genericgeekgirl says, "I've actually never seen this particular part of the game, in my playthroughs."
Ellison says, "ha"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "All right, kids, let's not go too far off the rails. Remember: the
tester | artist does still need to barge in at some point."
tester | .
tester | Karl nods. "Gotcha."
tester | .
tester | Erica shrugs. "Whatever you say, Ainsley."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) The thing is, they're gonna kill me no matter
tester | what I do. Im nothing but entertainment to these people. Just another
tester | sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and smother all over the
tester | room while they sit into their high-priced seats and cheer and eat
tester | their lunch.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Thats the most barbaric thing Ive ever heard. Im so sorry.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: So, you see, thats why I need to hide. And whatever you
tester | do, you cant tell anyone I was in here, or else...
tester | .
tester | Complete silence ensues in response.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh, I'm sorry. I was so bored by this subpar performance, I nearly
tester | forgot my entrance. Silly me."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Brock, darling. How nice of you to join us. If you could just go over
tester | there and play your part with the rest of the cast, that'd be
tester | absolutely wonderful." You fold your hands on your lap, trying your
tester | level best to resist the urge to smack him over the head.
tester | .
tester | "Gladly," he spits back at you as he turns and saunters over to the
tester | stage.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (off stage) Who are you talking to in there?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: No one! (whispers) Its him! Quick! Hide!
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Where?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (still whispering) I dont know! Anywhere!
tester | .
tester | The gladiator jumps and hides under the dining couch just as the
tester | artist walks into the room. The couch appears to wobble slightly.
tester | .
tester | Hrm, that *dining couch* definitely looks a touch unstable, but then,
tester | what can you really expect for the almost nonexistent budget the stage
tester | crew's been given? Still, the script does call for at least one person
tester | to sit on it. Do you think it's *worth worrying about*, or do you just
tester | *carry on and hope for the best*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl says, "I think we should keep letting Henrietta fix it. That works out well."
DavidW says, "yes, agreed."
Jacqueline nods.
Jacqueline says, "I'm going to go straight through to letting her, not just calling her over."
DavidW says, "thx"
Jacqueline says, "Big text dump coming. Put on your peril-sensitive glasses..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Henrietta, sweetheart," you yell in the general direction of the
tester | stage, "could you come back over here for a second?"
tester | .
tester | "What's up, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | "The dining couch over there looks like it's barely struggling to stay
tester | up. Anything you can do to help it?"
tester | .
tester | "Hmm..." She scrunches her brow. "The crew's all gone home, but I can
tester | try and give it some reinforcement, if you really need me to."
tester | .
tester | Do you think it's a good idea to let her, or should you save her the
tester | trouble?
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that'd be wonderful. Thank you."
tester | .
tester | You watch her dash backstage and return with some tools and an armload
tester | of scrap prop material. Once Karl crawls out from underneath the
tester | couch, she immediately gets to work, drilling and hammering things in
tester | place. The girl's always been a natural at this sort of thing.
tester | .
tester | "There," she announces a few minutes later. "That should hold it."
tester | Karl rolls back under the couch and gives you a thumbs up. Definitely
tester | a messy, haphazard repair job, but at least it seems to be sturdy.
tester | .
tester | "Fantastic. Back to where we were, then!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glances back and forth) Hmm. Empty. I could have sworn I
tester | heard someone yelling.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Oh, I was just talking to myself.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You never talk to yourself.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How do you know? Its not like youve come to visit me all
tester | that much, lately.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (walks towards couch) Like Ive told you countless times, Ive
tester | been busy. (sits down, facing away)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You hold your breath as the dining couch creaks under Brock's
tester | weight...
tester | .
tester | ...and sure enough, Henrietta's repairs keep it good and steady.
tester | Crisis averted. Onwards and upwards!
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That's right, I almost forgot. You'd rather spend hours
tester | talking to what's-his-face instead.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You mean Tiberius? But he's not even finished yet!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: He "hasn't been finished yet" for months now.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (raises foot and points to it) It's his toes. You know it
tester | always takes me forever to get the toes just right. (stomps foot down,
tester | nothing happens)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You imbecile!" barks Brock. "You're supposed to yell Ow!"
tester | .
tester | "Uh, okay," says Karl from under the couch. "Ow."
tester | .
tester | "No, no, no, say it like you mean it! Or perhaps you'd rather I stomp
tester | on your foot for real; what do you think?" The vicious smile on
tester | Brock's face is starting to scare you a bit.
tester | .
tester | "It's okay, I'm sorry, it's all right, you don't have to-"
tester | .
tester | This looks like it could get out of hand rather quickly. Do you think
tester | you should *interject*, or would you rather leave them to *settle their
tester | differences on their own*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline says, "So, interject, or let 'em figure it out."
genericgeekgirl says, "Settle seemed to work out, even with Brock hurting Karl."
genericgeekgirl says, "Brock relaxes, Karl seems happy enough once Henrietta takes care of it."
Jacqueline says, "You mean let them settle it themselves."
DavidW says, "yes, let them settle it themselves."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
Jacqueline says, "Are you guys okay with the text dumps between choices at this point, or want me to pause each time I have to click to get things to progress? The benefit of the text dumps for me is I can edit all the smart quotes at once. Saves time."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, that's fine."
Jacqueline asks, "Or was that last one too WHOAH LONG?"
DavidW says, "yeah, go ahead"
Jacqueline says, "Cool, thanks."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "No, trust me, it's for your own good. You're going to have to learn
tester | to act sooner or later." You cringe as Brock reaches below, grabs
tester | Karl's foot, and steps on it as hard as he can.
tester | .
tester | "AGH! OW! URGH! IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"
tester | .
tester | You spot Erica glaring at you reproachfully and feel a bit of a knot
tester | in your stomach, in spite of yourself.
tester | .
tester | "See? There we go. Much better. Don't you think so, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | Swallowing and wincing inwardly, you gesture at the cast to continue.
tester | "We really don't have much time. Let's keep going."
tester | .
tester | "...can't move... so much pain... argh..."
tester | .
tester | Oh, fantastic, Ainsley. Your leading man's injured, and right before
tester | the *physically demanding* part of the scene, to boot. What'll you do
tester | now? I suppose you could do your best to *soldier on*, but that might
tester | make things even worse. Maybe there's a way to *act around it*...
tester | .
tester | Or you could always *call on Henrietta again*. She'd know what to do,
tester | wouldn't she?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline asks, "Henrietta?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes."
DavidW says, "hm. Brock is tired now? He was relaxed before at this point."
DavidW asks, "And we got Erica tired again too?"
DavidW says, "yes, Henrietta again."
genericgeekgirl says, "We hit a new point where we upset Brock, which may have set him back."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You summon Henrietta out from backstage. "Sorry to bother you again,
tester | darling, but our young gladiator here appears to be hurt."
tester | .
tester | She wanders on over to the still-struggling Karl. "Ooh, that doesn't
tester | look too good," she says, prodding at his foot with her fingers as he
tester | winces slightly. "I'll be right back. Lemme go get some ice and
tester | something to wrap that in."
tester | .
tester | Henrietta does exactly that, and after several minutes tending to the
tester | injury - not to mention several minutes of Brock pacing erratically
tester | and Erica standing around looking bored - gets him standing again.
tester | "Take it easy, okay? Don't put too much weight on it."
tester | .
tester | "I... I think I'm good, Ainsley." Karl limps a few steps. "Yeah, I can
tester | do this."
tester | .
tester | "Splendid. Back under the couch, then!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (stands up) Who was that?!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I dont know. Probably came from outside.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Really? Because I could have sworn it came from under the...
tester | (peeks under the couch just as the gladiator rolls out and darts
tester | behing the urn) ...all right, so maybe it did come from outside. I
tester | must be hearing things again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he cant talk back.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh God, I hate this part," grumbles Erica. "I mean, I have to be like
tester | oh, why don't you love me anymore? and that's just so disgustingly
tester | whiny. Can't I say something else?"
tester | .
tester | Joy. She wants to improvise again. With the way things are going so
tester | far tonight, you've half a mind to completely give up and *let her do
tester | whatever she wants*. You do worry, however, about the other actors
tester | screwing up and missing their cues; this is, after all, the big
tester | physical comedy scene. You really think you should just *lay down the
tester | law* and make everyone stick to the script or else. Then again, a
tester | *more diplomatic approach* might help instead.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "Let's not do diplomatic."
DavidW says, "That didn't work at all last time."
genericgeekgirl says, "Agreed."
Jacqueline asks, "Let Erica do what she wants, maybe?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
DavidW says, "ha ha. I'm sure that'll piss off Brock, so ... yes."
Jacqueline says, "Might relax her. Also might piss everyone else off, of course."
Jacqueline says (to DW), "hee"
Jacqueline says, "Okay, letting Erica do what she wants it is."
DavidW says, "might as well see."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Go right ahead, Erica sweetie. Say whatever pleases you."
tester | .
tester | "Methinks the *girl doth protest too much*," mumbles Brock under his
tester | breath.
tester | .
tester | "Don't call me girl, buster." Erica stretches her arms and cracks her
tester | knuckles. "Anyway, *like I was saying*..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "huh. A choice."
Jacqueline says, "Yeah."
Jacqueline says, "Also, I have to use the loo. brb"
DavidW asks (of ggg), "How do you feel about 'like I was saying'?"
Jacqueline says, "(back)"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes."
Jacqueline says, "Like I was saying, then."
DavidW says, "please"
genericgeekgirl says, "(IIRC, the other option isn't really an option, so much as a side-thought.)"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know why I even bother. You're hardly even around
tester | anymore, and when you are, you're making excuses not to talk to me.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: That's completely ridiculous.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You're the one who's being ridiculous. Why are you so afraid
tester | of me?
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at statue) Why can you even talk, anyway?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How am I supposed to know? You made me.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it) Yes, but I
tester | didn't mean to... well, you're a statue. Statues can't- (trips over
tester | the gladiator and falls flat on his face)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Sorry! Sorry!" Karl panics. "It was an accident, I swear!"
tester | .
tester | "You... you moronic little..."
tester | .
tester | You almost feel sorry for Brock. Well, not quite "almost". Barely even
tester | "a little". That said, you can't help but wonder if this really was an
tester | accident, or retaliation for Brock's previous physical attack.
tester | .
tester | What do you say, then? Do you *blame Brock for his own misfortune*? Do
tester | you *snipe at Karl* for missing his cue to move, thus derailing the
tester | rehearsal yet again? Or do you *simply get them both back on track as
tester | quickly as possible*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "hm. I'm not sure what our next move should be now."
genericgeekgirl says, "Back on track doesn't seem to ever have an affect. Blaming Brock will relax Karl, but make Brock .. irritated? Is that what's next? Sniping at Karl will bring him down one, but Brock back up to tired. So that seems best in this instance."
genericgeekgirl says, "Or else back on track, actually."
genericgeekgirl says, "Just not blaming Brock, is really my only thought."
Jacqueline looks at DW.
DavidW asks, "So we should snipe at Karl, then?"
Jacqueline looks at ggg.
genericgeekgirl is distracted by a sad Roomba. "Maybe. It'll really only reverse the two positions, though."
Jacqueline says, "Aaaawwww. Sad Roomba."
Jacqueline looks at DW.
DavidW says, "Roomba, roomba, roombatty-do, I have got a riddle for you"
Jacqueline shakes her head.
Jacqueline says, "That's unfortunately not an option."
Jacqueline asks, "So... are we sniping at Karl?"
DavidW says, "Make Karl feel sad."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes."
Jacqueline says, "Okay. Sniping."
tester | "Karl, you're supposed to move around Brock as he circles around the
tester | urn. We've been over this already. Now, if your foot's still in pain,
tester | maybe you should..."
tester | .
tester | "No, I'm fine, honest!"
tester | .
tester | "Very well. If you could do that part again, like we've rehearsed
tester | countless times, that'd be much appreciated. Thank you."
tester | .
tester | Karl sighs as Brock self-righteously smiles at him. "Okay, Ainsley.
tester | You don't have to get mad at me."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it as the gladiator,
tester | still crouched, shuffles to the opposite side) That's a completely
tester | different question. You're a statue. Statues cant talk. At least,
tester | they shouldnt be able to. Everyone knows that.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts artists attention towards her, gladiator takes the
tester | opportunity to crawl behind the cypress tree) Well, if itd make you
tester | feel any better, I could stop talking.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good. Maybe Ill finally be able to hear myself think again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Fine!
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good!
tester | .
tester | The artist turns around and folds his arms. Awkward silence ensues.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Psst! Ainsley! Is this the part where I sneeze?"
tester | .
tester | "Yes, Karl."
tester | .
tester | "Okay. Just checking."
tester | .
tester | Suddenly, the gladiator sneezes.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at the statue) I thought you were going to stop
tester | talking!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: It wasnt... er, I mean, I wasnt talking, I was sneezing.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: But youre talking now.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That doesnt count. I was-
tester | .
tester | Just then, the gladiator somersaults away from the tree and careens
tester | straight into the pedestal, which then proceeds to fall over, taking
tester | the statue down with it.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Oh, drat. And just when things were starting to go relatively smoothly
tester | for an instant, too.
tester | .
tester | "Aw, crap," mumbles Karl, still dazed from the impact. "I was aiming
tester | for behind the pedestal, I swear!" Yes, just like you'd practiced all
tester | this time. Or would have, if you'd even had any of the props on stage
tester | available to you before tonight.
tester | .
tester | Erica attempts to pull herself up to a standing position, but as she
tester | does so, a clearly audible ripping noise lets out - it would appear
tester | that the too-tight dress you were in too much of a hurry to deal with
tester | at the start of rehearsal has now completely split down the middle of
tester | her back. Terrific.
tester | .
tester | "See, I told you it was too tight! You'd think someone around here
tester | would actually listen to me for a change, but noooo..."
tester | .
tester | "Ooh, the plot thickens!" Brock chortles mockingly and fixes his gaze
tester | on you. "What do you think she'll do now, Ainsley? Accuse us all of
tester | sexual harassment? That's *what all girls do* when they can't get
tester | their way, isn't it?"
tester | .
tester | Do you *dignify him with a response*, or do you *ignore his outburst*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "guess my earlier ploy with the dress failed."
Jacqueline says, "Ah yes. The rip."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yup. It also made Erica flustered at the time."
Jacqueline says, "At least now she is merely tired."
DavidW asks, "What will choosing 'what all girls do' do, do you think?"
Jacqueline raises an eyebrow and looks at ggg.
smartgenes arrives, full of funk, but no fun. genericgeekgirl says, "It won't harm anything."
genericgeekgirl says, "It's another side-thought."
Jacqueline asks, "Click it?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
DavidW says, "yes"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | There was a time when you, too, once thought women reported harassment
tester | just for attention, as some cheap attempt to become more well-known
tester | and further their careers. Then, you saw for yourself how wrong you
tester | were, how such women were routinely humiliated and ostracised for
tester | speaking out. And then there was Jenna Garrity, with the terrified
tester | look she had in her eyes when she shyly cornered you after everyone
tester | had left and told you everything Langdon had said and done. You
tester | believed her. How could anyone not believe her? smartgenes says, ".."
Jacqueline asks, "Dignify him, because in shutting him down you might chill out Erica a touch?"
Jacqueline says, "I can't recall what happened when you did that before, so."
genericgeekgirl says, "But we don't shut him down. He says something horrible that will only upset Erica more, and we don't respond further."
DavidW says, "When we chose dignify last time, Brock got upset, then Erica walked out."
Jacqueline says, "Oh. Oops. So, no to that, then."
genericgeekgirl says, "Ignore the outburst."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
DavidW says, "Ignore seems to continue without status change."
DavidW says, "so I vote 'ignore'."
Jacqueline says, "Big 'ol paste a comin' in..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Um, hello? I'm kinda naked here?"
tester | .
tester | You look over at Erica, hiding herself behind some scenery, and feel somewhat grateful for not having to listen to Brock's tirades any longer. "Go backstage and get Henrietta to put something on you."
tester | .
tester | A few minutes later, she emerges out with some floral print sundress that you think you recognise from last month's run of Much Alarm About Agnes. "All right, then," you announce. "Now that our wardrobe mishap has been taken care of, let's get on with the last bit of the play, shall we?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Forget it. Just forget it, all right. I need to go somewhere quiet right now. (walks away from the statue, while the gladiator peeks slightly to the side from behind her to see what's going on)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts the artist's attention back to her, causing the gladiator to quickly duck) You do that. And say hi to what's-his-face, while you're at it.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (comes out from behind the pedestal as the artist walks offstage) What's his problem?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Damned if I know. Sad thing is, he was always so charming and sweet while he was carving me. He'd tell me just about everything. Of course, once I started talking... well, you know the rest.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I think you should leave him. You deserve better.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Hey, Ainsley?" Karl interjects.
tester | .
tester | "What's the problem, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | "Actually, it's nothing. Never mind." Karl takes a deep breath and sighs.
tester | .
tester | "Well, all right, then. Suit yourself."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Leave? I can't even move off this pedestal. Besides, he needs me. He may refuse to admit it, but it's true. No one understands him like I do. This is where I must stay.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're right. And for that matter... (turns to face window) I should go. Face the music. Do what I was born to do and fight that ostrich. (turns to statue) That crowd sure isn't going to entertain itself, that's for sure.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: So you're not scared anymore?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Oh, I'm terrified. But really, there's nothing else I can do, either. Somehow, realising that suddenly makes everything seem so much easier.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Yes, that makes sense. I... guess this is goodbye, then.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I guess so. (begins to walk back towards the window, then hesitates)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "And, uh, I'm supposed to kiss her here, right?"
tester | .
tester | "That's correct, Karl."
tester | .
tester | The gladiator moves back towards the statue, stands on his tiptoes, quickly kisses her on the cheek, then exits the way he came.
tester | .
tester | Hmm. Well, that was certainly one of the most awkward kissing scenes you've ever witnessed, but it could have turned out much worse, you suppose. And would you look at that: you made it through to the end of the play!
tester | .
tester | "Great job, everyone," you announce as you get up from your chair. "I'll see you all at 4 PM this afternoon, right here in this very theatre. And for the sake of my sanity and that of your fellow cast members, please don't be late."
tester | .
tester | With that, the actors, looking just as happy to go home as you are, start to shuffle off and pack up their things.
tester | .
tester | Karl heads out the door first, tired but relatively calm. "Bye, Ainsley. Seeya tomorrow."
tester | .
tester | Erica walks out in turn, also rather tired. All things considered, she wasn't the greatest understudy you've ever worked with, but she at least didn't cause any horrible problems. And the play hasn't had to be cancelled yet, so there's that.
tester | .
tester | Brock leaves next, pausing to glance at you before walking out the door, as if he wants to say something, but ultimately stays quiet.
tester | .
tester | Do you *speak to him*, perhaps in a last-ditch effort to make amends? Or maybe that's *not such a wise idea*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline says, "Huh. It didn't insert the hard returns that time. Sorry about that."
Jacqueline asks, "Anyway, talk to him or not?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah. I think it never hurts, and occasionally helps."
Jacqueline asks, "Talk to him, you mean. DW?"
Ellison says, "gotta go. later!"
Ellison goes back to Squeamhurst..
Ellison has disconnected. DavidW says, "yes, try it"
Jacqueline nods.
tester | "Something I can help you with, Brock?"
tester | .
tester | He pauses for a second, and walks out the door, not saying so much as
tester | a word. So much for that.
tester | .
tester | As you yourself prepare to head out on your way, you turn towards the
tester | stage. "Henrietta? Go home. Get some sleep. It's late." From
tester | experience, you know she'll probably wind up falling asleep in the
tester | theatre if no one tells her to leave.
tester | .
tester | Henrietta steps into view. "All right, Ainsley. Lemme go lock up
tester | first."
tester | .
tester | "You do that. I'll wait for you."
tester | .
tester | As the two of you head outside, she grins at you. "Remember that time
tester | we did Smell Ya Later, Freddie Slater and that Arthur Whatsisface guy
tester | projectile vomited all over the stage? I gotta say, this wasn't
tester | anywhere near as bad as that, and we've still had plenty of work
tester | since. You gotta stop worrying so much."
tester | .
tester | You chuckle. She knows you well, and really, she's right. It could be
tester | so much worse. Setbacks happen, but somehow you manage to bounce back
tester | from them.
tester | .
tester | "Good night, Henrietta. And thank you again." With that, you amble off
tester | in your own separate directions, looking forward to a good night's
tester | sleep and hoping and praying that nothing blows up tomorrow.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | THE END
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | NOTHINGS FAIR IN ART, LOVE, OR WAR, Kludge Theatre - James Doughs
tester | well-known play about a reluctant gladiator meeting a talking statue
tester | gets a bit of a more modern flavour thrown in. Your mileage will
tester | likely vary as to how well it works. Theres not much to recommend in
tester | terms of the acting, with stilted, chemistry-less performances all
tester | around; youll probably find more believable characters in a bad
tester | romance novel. Worth seeing if you havent got anything better planned
tester | for the weekend. - J. Astrid Fleck, The Transient Weekly Jacqueline asks, "So I guess the best ending must come from allowing them to wing it enough to feel relaxed?"
Jacqueline says, "Supposing that RELAXED = CHEMISTRY"
genericgeekgirl says, "I guess so."
Jacqueline says, "Do we want to try one more time? I could probably manage one more play-through."
DavidW says, "If you're up for it."
Jacqueline asks, "Yeah, I am. GGG?"
DavidW says, "This must be exhausting for you."
Jacqueline says, "Nah, I'm in a bit of a flow with it."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
Jacqueline says, "If we took a break and came back I would lose that, so I'm all for proceeding."
Jacqueline says, "Okay, let me set her up again."
Jacqueline asks, "Start from scratch or our last save?"
Jacqueline says, "Our last save appears to take us to 'we do not have time for revisions'"
Jacqueline says, "I am happy to start us from clean stratch."
DavidW says, "I think we should start at the beginning, to change the dress."
genericgeekgirl says, "I think we need to take care of the dress situation from the beginning."
Jacqueline says, "Right."
DavidW asks, "so... change the dress, 'Mrs Robinson', chew Karl out ...?"
DavidW says, "I think one change we should try is not interrupting the first flow of improv."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | . Jacqueline asks, "Ready for the big text dump?"
DavidW says, "I am."
tester | The Kludge Theatre Presents
tester | Nothing's Fair in Art, Love, or War
tester | .
tester | by JAMES DOUGH
tester | .
tester | With
tester | KARL PAPADAKIS as the GLADIATOR
tester | VIVIAN WEST as the STATUE
tester | and BROCK MORGENSTERN as the ARTIST
tester | .
tester | NOTE: Tonight, the part of the statue will be played by ERICA HARDING.
tester | .
tester | Directed by
tester | AINSLEY M. WARRINGTON
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | All right, Ainsley. This is it. Just one more run through the entire
tester | play, and we'll be all good to go. Never mind that your leading lady
tester | had a serious allergic reaction to the face paint and needed to be
tester | replaced at the very last minute. And for that matter, never mind that
tester | the rest of the cast has only had a grand total of two weeks to
tester | rehearse. The show must go on, yada yada yada, and because you are the
tester | brilliant and talented Ainsley Morgan Warrington, you will make it so.
tester | .
tester | Well, you'd better, anyway, or your fading career'll finally
tester | extinguish into nonexistence and you'll find yourself having to take
tester | up substitute teaching or something equally horrible.
tester | .
tester | "Right, then. From the top!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue stands
tester | still on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She is surrounded by a
tester | dining couch, a cypress tree, a large urn, and several paintings on
tester | easels.
tester | .
tester | The statue begins to fidget with her dress. A gladiator climbs through
tester | the window and does a double take at the sight of her.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Hey, uh, Ainsley?" Karl stares straight at you with that typically
tester | slack-jawed look on his face. "Is she supposed to be moving around
tester | like that?"
tester | .
tester | Of course she isn't supposed to be moving. She's supposed to be
tester | standing completely still, just like one of those creepy street
tester | performers you keep seeing on the pier... you know, the ones who
tester | startle tourists with sudden movements.
tester | .
tester | You clear your throat. "What seems to be the problem, Emily?"
tester | .
tester | "Erica," she replies through gritted teeth.
tester | .
tester | "My apologies. Erica. Now, I understand you only just got here, so let
tester | me take the time to remind you that there are only two things you're
tester | required to do in this production -- that is to say, stand as still as
tester | possible, and recite the correct lines. It appears as though you're
tester | having a bit of trouble with the former?"
tester | .
tester | "I'd be fine if this damn dress didn't keep riding up everywhere.
tester | Seriously, you should try breathing in this thing. It's like I've been
tester | shrink wrapped or something."
tester | .
tester | "HENRIETTA!" you bellow at the top of your lungs. If anyone can fix
tester | this mess, it's her. Right on cue, she drowsily stumbles in from
tester | backstage, her mousy brown hair looking even more bedraggled than
tester | usual.
tester | .
tester | "Yeah, yeah, I'm here, what happened this time?"
tester | .
tester | "Seems like that dress is a touch too small for Erin--"
tester | .
tester | "Erica!"
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that's what I meant. Anyway, I'm going to need it altered as
tester | soon as possible. Preferably immediately."
tester | .
tester | Henrietta pushes her glasses up her nose. "Richard's already on his
tester | way to New York to do costumes for For All Intensive Porpoises."
tester | .
tester | "Well, can't you do it?"
tester | .
tester | "Me? Sew? You're kidding, right?"
tester | .
tester | You desperately wish you were, but truth be told, you're rather out of
tester | options. You could just *ask her to do something, anything to make it
tester | fit*. Or maybe there's *something lying around from a previous
tester | production*. Or you could, of course, ignore the dress and *get on
tester | with the rehearsal already*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
genericgeekgirl says, "Find something lying around."
Jacqueline says, "I would have proceeded, but I wasn't sure which option -- okay."
Jacqueline asks, "Agree, DW?"
DavidW says, "yes"
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
DavidW says, "(it's true we've never actually let H try to fix the dress directly)"
Jacqueline asks, "Hm. But you guys are sure about your choice? Worried that asking H to try will upset her?"
DavidW says, "I do worry about that, yes."
Jacqueline asks, "So, please confirm one more time: find something lying around, or ask H to try to fix the dress with power tools?"
DavidW says, ">find something lying around"
Jacqueline asks (of ggg), "Concur again, please?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Sorry I asked." Henrietta was always much better with power tools
tester | than sewing equipment. "Could you just find something else she could
tester | wear? I'm sure I saw some leftover costumes backstage."
tester | .
tester | "Sure, I'll see what I can dig up. Gimme a sec."
tester | .
tester | Several minutes later, Henrietta returns, followed by Erica wearing a
tester | rather frumpy floral print sundress. You think you recognise it from
tester | last month's run of Much Alarm About Agnes.
tester | .
tester | "This was all I could find. Well, either this or a furry bear suit."
tester | .
tester | "It'll have to do, I suppose. We can always paint it white later. Now,
tester | come on, let's get back to rehearsing, already."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | SETTING: An artists studio in Ancient Rome. A beautiful statue
tester | wearing a frumpy floral print dress stands still on a pedestal in the
tester | middle of the room. She is surrounded by a dining couch, a cypress
tester | tree, a large urn, and several paintings on easels.
tester | .
tester | A gladiator climbs through the window, then paces frantically around
tester | the studio, mumbling to himself and looking for a place to hide.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (frozen in place, moving nothing but her lips) He never told
tester | me he was having a guest over.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (freezes in his tracks) What? Who said that? Who's in here?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Never met a talking statue before, have you?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... Mrs. Robertson!
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Er, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | "Crap! Did I say that out loud? It's just... that's the exact same
tester | dress my fifth grade teacher always used to wear, I'm not kidding."
tester | .
tester | "Oh, so now I look like a schoolmarm. Wonderful." Erica crosses her
tester | arms in irritation.
tester | .
tester | "Well, if it makes you feel any better, she was kinda hot..."
tester | .
tester | "Ugh!"
tester | .
tester | Wonderful. Just what you need right now. Another potential *sexual
tester | harassment* situation on your hands. Question is, Ainsley, what do you
tester | do about it this time? Your first instinct is to *chew Karl out*, but
tester | then you think maybe it'd be a better idea to try and *smooth things
tester | over with Erica instead*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - tired
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline asks, "Chew him out?"
DavidW says, "yes"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yes"
Jacqueline asks, "And then oblige her somewhat, right?"
Jacqueline says, "Well, here, I'll paste first."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Very suave and debonair of you, Karl. I'm sure Erica's absolutely
tester | flattered by your lacklustre attempt at flirtation."
tester | .
tester | "Really?" Sarcasm doesn't appear to get through to the poor boy.
tester | You'll have to try a more direct approach.
tester | .
tester | "Let me spell it out for you: while we may not have a human resources
tester | department, this is nevertheless a professional environment. As such,
tester | I expect you to conduct yourself with a certain amount of decorum and
tester | respect, which most certainly does not include ogling your fellow
tester | performers. Am I making myself clear?"
tester | .
tester | "Y-yeah... sure... okay..." Karl stammers as you watch him visibly
tester | deflate. Erica, meanwhile, looks relieved or at least, a touch less
tester | tense.
tester | .
tester | "Good. Now, try that line again."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: You're a... you're... but... how?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He made me.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Who?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: ...oh. So you're not one of his...
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (paces around the room) Look. I don't really have any time
tester | to stay and chitchat. I need a place to hide. It's important.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't understand...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Erica throws her hands up in frustration. "Okay, you wanna know what I
tester | don't understand?"
tester | .
tester | No, of course you don't, because as previously mentioned, you wanted
tester | to get this rehearsal over and done with as soon as possible. However,
tester | that doesn't stop her from continuing.
tester | .
tester | "Why isn't my character putting up more of a fight, here? I mean, the
tester | guy's basically breaking and entering, and she's just letting him.
tester | There's no way I'm playing yet another woman who stands there
tester | passively while the men get to do all the important stuff."
tester | .
tester | She does have a point, mind you - James Dough was never particularly
tester | known for his progressive portrayals of women - but with only one
tester | rehearsal left until opening night, *you can't afford to waste time on
tester | revisions*. However, you also can't afford to lose yet another leading
tester | lady, so perhaps it would be wise to *oblige her somewhat*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline asks, "Now, oblige her somewhat?"
DavidW says, "oblige her"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Well, it certainly couldn't hurt to give Dough's tired old script a
tester | fresh new interpretation. A sly smile forms across your lips. "All
tester | right, Erica. What do you suggest she do instead?"
tester | .
tester | "I dunno. Something. Anything, I guess."
tester | .
tester | "Come on, now, give me an example. Show me." As far as you're
tester | concerned, if there's rewriting to be done, you're not going to be the
tester | one to do it.
tester | .
tester | "What do you mean?"
tester | .
tester | "You're an actress, aren't you? Improvise."
tester | .
tester | "Well, okay..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: What? But they--
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (raises voice) You're trespassing on private property. The
tester | local authorities will be here any minute now. Leave immediately and
tester | no one will get hurt.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: They're making--
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You heard me. Leave. Now.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Aw man, now what am I supposed to do?"
tester | .
tester | For a stand-up comedian, Karl's improvisational skills sadly appear
tester | somewhat lacking. You could just tell him to put himself in the
tester | character's shoes, or perhaps you could attempt to play the situation
tester | to his strengths. Then again, you're also starting to think to
tester | yourself that sticking to the script was the better idea, after all.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - flustered
tester | Erica - eager
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired DavidW asks, "Erica eager?"
Jacqueline says, "Optios: tell him to put himself in the character's shoes, tell him to play to his strengths, or get back on the script."
genericgeekgirl asks, "Strengths worked ok, right?"
Jacqueline says, "Yeah, huh. Eager. Eager sounds great."
genericgeekgirl says, "I guess at some point we have to tell them to tone it down, but I think they're ok with that. And then Brock shows up and we yell at him. Hm."
DavidW says, "I wasn't convinced strengths was quite right."
Jacqueline asks, "Put himself in the character's shoes? Have you tried that?"
DavidW says, "Either we go with strengths and let them run with it, or try the shoes option."
DavidW says, "We haven't tried shoes yet."
Jacqueline asks, "Wanna?"
genericgeekgirl says, "It definitely helped Karl last time (bumped him from flustered to tired). But sure."
DavidW asks (of ggg), "Which helped?"
Jacqueline asks, "Or will asking him to method act make him more flustered?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Letting him play to his strengths helped Karl."
DavidW asks, "hm. ok. So strengths then?"
Jacqueline asks, "Want me to save?"
DavidW says, "good idea. Save here."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
Jacqueline asks, "Okay, I've saved. Want to try shoes, then go back if it backfires?"
DavidW says, "If we go with strengths, I think we shouldn't interrupt them."
DavidW says (to Jacqueline), "oh, I could agree to that."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
Jacqueline says, "Okay."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Well, Karl, what would you do in this predicament?"
tester | .
tester | "Huh, good question. I, uh, think I'd just leave. Maybe check if the
tester | next house is empty? Don't want to make any trouble, you know."
tester | .
tester | Sadly, that won't quite do, since there'll be no play to speak of.
tester | "All right, suppose for the sake of this exercise that there is no
tester | next house. Your goal is to remain in this room as long as possible."
tester | .
tester | "So you're saying I should, like, stall her?"
tester | .
tester | Sure, why not? "Yes. Stall her. That's a great idea."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I'm not leaving!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Didn't you hear me? The authorities will be arriving soon.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Well, you know what? I don't think there are any
tester | authorities. I think you just made them up.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I most certainly did not!
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: All right, then, prove it! Let them come out and arrest me!
tester | I'm just going to stand here until they do!
tester | .
tester | Silence ensues for the next two minutes.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Ainsley! This is taking forever! What are you trying to do, put the
tester | audience to sleep?"
tester | .
tester | You whirl around and notice Brock, who seems to have just returned
tester | from his extended smoke break. "I don't know what shoddy script you're
tester | reading, but I was under the impression that we were supposed to be
tester | rehearsing Nothing's Fair..."
tester | .
tester | He smugly smiles as you feel your face turning a bright shade of red.
tester | On one level, *you do agree with him, sort of*. On many other levels,
tester | however, *you don't particularly want to*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - eager
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline says, "snrk. I am enjoying this version of the play."
Jacqueline asks, "And that brought him down from flustered. Go with it?"
Jacqueline asks, "Or want me to undo?"
genericgeekgirl says, "No, it looks fine. Same result."
genericgeekgirl says, "Wonder how much agreeing upsets Karl and Erica at this point, maybe."
Jacqueline says, "I could always save again. :)"
genericgeekgirl says, "If we can salvage Brock at this point."
DavidW says, "I thought you couldn't make two save positions."
Jacqueline says (to DW), "I can't. It would erase our previous save."
genericgeekgirl says, "It'll overwrite the last one."
Jacqueline says, "But that last move seemed okay."
DavidW says, "I don't want our last save erased."
Jacqueline says, "mmkay"
Jacqueline asks, "So, next command, my masters?"
genericgeekgirl says, "It's only one move. We don't have to save here."
DavidW says, "I'm not convinced this is the best route yet."
genericgeekgirl says, "Since we can just go back to the current save if we want to."
Jacqueline nods.
Jacqueline asks, "So?"
genericgeekgirl says, "DW? I'd like to see what affect agreeing has."
DavidW says, "yes, let's see that version."
Jacqueline says, "Done."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | As much as it pains you to admit it, Brock's right: while James
tester | Dough's stilted dialogue and tired subject matter is bad enough, what
tester | you see happening on stage right in front of you is even worse.
tester | .
tester | "Karl, Erica, I'm sorry, but this clearly isn't working. Let's go back
tester | to what's in the script, shall we?" In response, Erica and Karl make
tester | the kinds of noises you'd hear from a pair of petulant three-year-olds
tester | who've just had their Duplo blocks taken away.
tester | .
tester | Brock rolls his eyes and sneers. "If you'll excuse me, I'll be
tester | stepping back outside. Wake me up when you people actually start
tester | acting, for once."
tester | .
tester | "Right," you mutter, trying not to let yourself be bothered. "Where
tester | were we, again?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Theyre making me fight an ostrich tomorrow! An ostrich!
tester | Im gonna lose, I just know it, and Im not ready to go, damn it! Not
tester | yet! (slumps on couch, burying face in hands)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: But its just a harmless bird, isnt it?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Harmless! Ha! You should see how badly it maimed the last
tester | guy. Those things sure can kick.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I see. Cant you just forfeit?
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just dont get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | theyll just kill me anyway. Im nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over their faces for lunch--
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hmm... that definitely doesn't sound right.
tester | .
tester | "Karl, darling, this is supposed to be a somewhat family friendly
tester | show. Cannibalism isn't called for anywhere in the script."
tester | .
tester | "Ack, did I just say... oh crap. Let me try again."
tester | .
tester | "You do that." Out of the corner of your eye, you spy Erica trying not
tester | to burst out laughing, and Karl winking and grinning at her in
tester | response.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (stands up) You just dont get it, do you? If I forfeit,
tester | theyll just kill me anyway. Im nothing but entertainment to these
tester | people. Just another sack of blood and guts they want to rip apart and
tester | smother all over the room while they sit into their high-priced seats
tester | and cheer and eat their lunch.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Thats the most barbaric thing Ive ever heard. Im so sorry.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: So, you see, thats why I need to hide. And whatever you
tester | do, you cant tell anyone I was in here, or else...
tester | .
tester | Complete silence ensues in response.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh, silly me. Is this my entrance? I'm sorry, I'd nearly fallen
tester | asleep."
tester | .
tester | "Brock, darling. How nice of you to join us. If you could just go over
tester | there and play your part with the rest of the cast, that'd be
tester | absolutely wonderful." You fold your hands on your lap, trying your
tester | level best to resist the urge to smack him over the head.
tester | .
tester | "Gladly," he spits back at you as he turns and saunters over to the
tester | stage.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (off stage) Who are you talking to in there?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: No one! (whispers) Its him! Quick! Hide!
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: Where?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (still whispering) I dont know! Anywhere!
tester | .
tester | The gladiator jumps and hides under the dining couch just as the
tester | artist walks into the room. The couch appears to wobble slightly.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hrm, that dining couch definitely looks a touch unstable, but then,
tester | what can you really expect for the almost nonexistent budget the stage
tester | crew's been given? Still, the script does call for at least one person
tester | to sit on it. Do you think it's worth worrying about, or do you just
tester | carry on and hope for the best?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - relaxed
tester | Henrietta - tired Jacqueline says, "And I'm assuming you want to call Henrietta, but I thought that was a big enough text dump."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah"
Jacqueline asks, "Call her and have her fix it, right?"
DavidW says, "yes please"
DavidW says, "I liked that we finally got some chemistry between Erica and Karl. That's the first time that's happened."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
DavidW asks, "hm. I wonder... if we let the couch go, what happens then?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Henrietta, sweetheart," you yell in the general direction of the
tester | stage, "could you come back over here for a second?"
tester | .
tester | "What's up, Ainsley?"
tester | .
tester | "The dining couch over there looks like it's barely struggling to stay
tester | up. Anything you can do to help it?"
tester | .
tester | "Hmm..." She scrunches her brow. "The crew's all gone home, but I can
tester | try and give it some reinforcement, if you really need me to."
tester | .
tester | "Yes, that'd be wonderful. Thank you."
tester | .
tester | You watch her dash backstage and return with some tools and an armload
tester | of scrap prop material. Once Karl crawls out from underneath the
tester | couch, she immediately gets to work, drilling and hammering things in
tester | place. The girl's always been a natural at this sort of thing.
tester | .
tester | "There," she announces a few minutes later. "That should hold it."
tester | Karl rolls back under the couch and gives you a thumbs up. Definitely
tester | a messy, haphazard repair job, but at least it seems to be sturdy.
tester | .
tester | "Fantastic. Back to where we were, then!"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glances back and forth) Hmm. Empty. I could have sworn I
tester | heard someone yelling.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Oh, I was just talking to myself.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You never talk to yourself.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How do you know? Its not like youve come to visit me all
tester | that much, lately.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (walks towards couch) Like Ive told you countless times, Ive
tester | been busy. (sits down, facing away)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | You hold your breath as the dining couch creaks under Brock's
tester | weight...
tester | .
tester | ...and sure enough, Henrietta's repairs keep it good and steady.
tester | Crisis averted. Onwards and upwards!
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That's right, I almost forgot. You'd rather spend hours
tester | talking to what's-his-face instead.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: You mean Tiberius? But he's not even finished yet!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: He "hasn't been finished yet" for months now.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (raises foot and points to it) It's his toes. You know it
tester | always takes me forever to get the toes just right. (stomps foot down,
tester | nothing happens)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You imbecile!" barks Brock. "You're supposed to yell Ow!"
tester | .
tester | "Uh, okay," says Karl from under the couch. "Ow."
tester | .
tester | "No, no, no, say it like you mean it! Or perhaps you'd rather I stomp
tester | on your foot for real; what do you think?" The vicious smile on
tester | Brock's face is starting to scare you a bit.
tester | .
tester | "It's okay, I'm sorry, it's all right, you don't have to--"
tester | .
tester | This looks like it could get out of hand rather quickly. Do you think
tester | you should interject, or would you rather leave them to settle their
tester | differences on their own?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - relaxed
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline asks, "Interject, or let them settle it?"
DavidW says, "oh, you skipped,."
Jacqueline asks, "I was told to let her fix it, but I can go back. What would you like?"
Jacqueline asks, "Want to see what happens if she doesn't fix it?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, if he wants. I'm actually going to fade out a bit, I think."
DavidW says, "it's okay. We have three relaxed people now; that's our best result so far."
DavidW says, "Let's continue."
Jacqueline asks, "Okay. So interject or let them settle it?"
Jacqueline asks (of ggg), "You stepping out for a nap?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Settlings usually goes all rightish, but it'll bring Karl down and I think it maybe upsets Erica, too."
genericgeekgirl says, "I'm still around, but if I don't respond and DW does, don't wait too long for me."
DavidW says, "hm. I think we should interject this time."
Jacqueline asks, "Interject then?"
Firion arrives, full of fun, but no funk. genericgeekgirl says, "Ok"
Firion asks, "What are we playing?"
DavidW says, "The Play"
Jacqueline says (to Firion), "If you decide to start playing, know that we are not using Floyd today. Just tell me what you want to do."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Brock, I'll be doing the directing, here." You give him the sternest look you can muster.
tester | .
tester | "Siding with *whiny amateur hacks* over those with real talent, huh? Typical."
tester | .
tester | "I'm not siding with anyone. Karl, try and listen more carefully for your cue next time around. *Let's keep going*."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "hm. Shame that brings Brock down."
genericgeekgirl says, "Drat."
Jacqueline asks, "Do you know what would have happened the other way from your prior play-through?"
DavidW says, "I thought interjecting was neutral."
genericgeekgirl says, "Brock goes up, Erica I think goes down, and Karl eventually balances out once his foot is fixed up."
Jacqueline asks, "So this is still better?"
Jacqueline asks, "Or... the same in a different way?"
DavidW asks, "What happens if we choose 'whiny amateur hacks' at this point?"
Jacqueline says, "I shall see."
DavidW asks, "Is that an aside?"
genericgeekgirl says, "I think so. Try it."
Jacqueline says, "If that is okay with ggg, that is. Timing, okay."
tester | Brock is, of course, referring to Jenna Garrity, the young woman who
tester | lodged the complaint against Langdon that got him into so much trouble
tester | in the first place. You feel bile rising up your throat just thinking
tester | about what happened. Best to put it from your mind right now. Jacqueline says, "Ah, that. Yeah."
Jacqueline says, "No change in your C&C, fwiw."
DavidW says, "I'm not following the backstory well."
DavidW says, "(This sort of thing is where I need notes.)"
Jacqueline says, "Don't look at me. I'm just the copy & paste bot."
Jacqueline says, "Anyway, you now only have once choice, it would seem."
Jacqueline says, "Which is to keep going."
Jacqueline says, "So I shall keep going."
DavidW says, "okay"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (stands up) Who was that?!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I dont know. Probably came from outside.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Really? Because I could have sworn it came from under the...
tester | (peeks under the couch just as the gladiator rolls out and darts
tester | behing the urn) ...all right, so maybe it did come from outside. I
tester | must be hearing things again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You just like him better because he cant talk back.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Oh God, I hate this part," grumbles Erica. "I mean, I have to be like
tester | oh, why don't you love me anymore? and that's just so disgustingly
tester | whiny. Can't I say something else?"
tester | .
tester | Joy. She wants to improvise again. With the way things are going so
tester | far tonight, you've half a mind to completely give up and *let her do
tester | whatever she wants*. You do worry, however, about the other actors
tester | screwing up and missing their cues; this is, after all, the big
tester | physical comedy scene. You really think you should just *lay down the
tester | law* and make everyone stick to the script or else. Then again, a
tester | *more diplomatic approach* might help instead.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - relaxed
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline asks, "Let her do what she wants?"
DavidW says, "I think so."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Go right ahead, Erica sweetie. Say whatever pleases you."
tester | .
tester | "Methinks the girl doth protest too much," mumbles Brock under his
tester | breath.
tester | .
tester | "Don't call me girl, buster." Erica stretches her arms and cracks her
tester | knuckles. "Anyway, like I was saying..."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - eager
tester | Brock - tired
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline says, "Your choices are 'the girl doth protest too much' or 'like I was saying'"
DavidW says, "The latter"
Jacqueline says, "Like I was saying."
DavidW says, "You just said that. :)"
Jacqueline says, "heh"
Jacqueline says, "I was thinking ggg may chime in, but she may be away."
Jacqueline edits...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I don't know why I even bother. You're hardly even around
tester | anymore, and when you are, you're making excuses not to talk to me.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: That's completely ridiculous.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You're the one who's being ridiculous. Why are you so afraid
tester | of me?
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at statue) Why can you even talk, anyway?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: How am I supposed to know? You made me.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it) Yes, but I
tester | didn't mean to... well, you're a statue. Statues can't-- (trips over
tester | the gladiator and falls flat on his face)
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Sorry! Sorry!" Karl panics. "It was an accident, I swear!"
tester | .
tester | "You... you moronic little..."
tester | .
tester | You almost feel sorry for Brock. Well, not quite "almost". Barely even
tester | "a bit". The guy's been at odds with the rest of the cast this whole
tester | time -- not to mention you -- to the point that a petard-hoisting was
tester | bound to happen sooner or later.
tester | .
tester | What do you say, then? Do you blame Brock for his own misfortune? Do
tester | you snipe at Karl for missing his cue to move, thus derailing the
tester | rehearsal yet again? Or do you simply get them both back on track as
tester | quickly as possible?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - tired
tester | Erica - eager
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed DavidW says, "Back on track, I think."
Jacqueline says, "Oops, I forgot the choices. They're 'blame Brock' or 'snipe at Karl' or 'back on track'"
Jacqueline asks, "Still back on track?"
Jacqueline asks, "So as not to piss either one of the boys off?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah."
DavidW says, "I think so. I don't remember how the other choices worked."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | . genericgeekgirl says, "Blaming Brock upsets Brock and makes Karl happier, and vice versa. So we definitely shouldn't blame Brock. Sniping at Karl might buy us something in the future. Last time, though, it coincided with the dress snapping, so Erica went down. Presumably she would normally stay eager."
tester | "Let's do that again, please -- and this time, properly. Karl, move
tester | away from Brock when he walks towards you. Brock, try not to trip over
tester | him. We've rehearsed this enough times, and I'd rather not have to go
tester | over it again, all right?"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (paces over to the urn and circles around it as the gladiator,
tester | still crouched, shuffles to the opposite side) That's a completely
tester | different question. You're a statue. Statues cant talk. At least,
tester | they shouldnt be able to. Everyone knows that.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts artists attention towards her, gladiator takes the
tester | opportunity to crawl behind the cypress tree) Well, if itd make you
tester | feel any better, I could stop talking.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good. Maybe Ill finally be able to hear myself think again.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Fine!
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Good!
tester | .
tester | The artist turns around and folds his arms. Awkward silence ensues.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Psst! Ainsley! Is this the part where I sneeze?"
tester | .
tester | "Yes, Karl."
tester | .
tester | "Okay. Just checking."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Suddenly, the gladiator sneezes.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: (glares at the statue) I thought you were going to stop
tester | talking!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: It wasnt... er, I mean, I wasnt talking, I was sneezing.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: But youre talking now.
tester | .
tester | STATUE: That doesnt count. I was--
tester | .
tester | Just then, the gladiator somersaults away from the tree and careens
tester | straight into the pedestal, which then proceeds to fall over, taking
tester | the statue down with it.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Oh, drat. And just when things were starting to go relatively smoothly
tester | for an instant, too.
tester | .
tester | "Aw, crap," mumbles Karl, still dazed from the impact. "I was aiming
tester | for behind the pedestal, I swear!" Yes, just like you'd practiced all
tester | this time. Or would have, if you'd even had any of the props on stage
tester | available to you before tonight.
tester | .
tester | Erica raises herself to a sitting position and wryly arches her
tester | eyebrow at Karl. "You were distracted by my behind, weren't you? Come
tester | on, don't lie. I saw you checking me out."
tester | .
tester | "I, uh..." His ears are as bright red as a freshly-cooked lobster. Oh,
tester | dear.
tester | .
tester | Brock, meanwhile, stares at them in irritation, then fixes his gaze on
tester | you. "So? What are you going to do, Ainsley? Kick him out when she
tester | inevitably accuses him of sexual harassment? That's what they all do,
tester | isn't it: ruin the lives of perfectly good men when they can't get
tester | their way?"
tester | .
tester | Do you *dignify him with a response*, or do you *ignore his outburst*?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - relaxed
tester | Erica - enthusiastic
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline asks, "Good job! Erica is back to enthusiastic! Now what to do about Brock?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ignore seems safest."
Jacqueline says, "Yeah"
DavidW says, "ignore"
DavidW says, "I've never seen enthusaism from Erica before."
DavidW says, "And Karl's relaxed? Even better."
tester | "Are you quite finished yet?" you ask calmly, once you regain your
tester | composure. "Can we get on with the last bit of the play, already?"
tester | You're a professional, and your priority right now is to see this
tester | trainwreck of a rehearsal to its end. Silently, all three actors
tester | shuffle back to their places on stage.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Forget it. Just forget it, all right. I need to go somewhere
tester | quiet right now. (walks away from the statue, while the gladiator
tester | peeks slightly to the side from behind her to see what's going on)
tester | .
tester | STATUE: (diverts the artist's attention back to her, causing the
tester | gladiator to quickly duck) You do that. And say hi to what's-his-face,
tester | while you're at it.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: (comes out from behind the pedestal as the artist walks
tester | offstage) What's his problem?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: Damned if I know. Sad thing is, he was always so charming and
tester | sweet while he was carving me. He'd tell me just about everything. Of
tester | course, once I started talking... well, you know the rest.
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I think you should leave him. You deserve better.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Hey, Ainsley?" Karl interjects.
tester | .
tester | "What's the problem, Karl?"
tester | .
tester | "Well, y'know, I was thinking, she should leave. I mean, why would she
tester | stay, right? The artist isn't treating her well, and she seems to like
tester | the gladiator better, anyway. Just an idea."
tester | .
tester | Hmph. You're *loathe to make any more changes* to the script, with it
tester | being almost the end and all. Plus, everyone who's ever seen this play
tester | knows the statue has to stay put as she is. But maybe that's just it.
tester | Maybe an alternate ending is *exactly what you need* to make this show
tester | memorable and save your career. After all, it won't be saved by the
tester | stellar acting or set decoration, that's for sure.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - relaxed
tester | Erica - enthusiastic
tester | Brock - flustered
tester | Henrietta - relaxed Jacqueline says, "I daresay this is sounding promising."
DavidW says, "I vote 'exactly what you need'."
genericgeekgirl says, "Sure."
Jacqueline says, "yay. One moment, please."
DavidW says, "And I agree, this is sounding very promising."
DavidW says, "Also, I'm now very curious what Brock might say when he leaves."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "You make a very persuasive argument, Karl. Very well, then. Let's
tester | rewrite the ending and have the statue run off with the gladiator."
tester | .
tester | "Are you out of your mind?" Brock steps out from backstage,
tester | incredulous. "She's a statue. She can't just walk off the pedestal.
tester | The audience definitely won't go for it."
tester | .
tester | "Well, so far as I'm concerned, if they can believe her talking, then
tester | walking isn't very far-fetched at all. What do you say, Erica?"
tester | .
tester | "I'm gonna have to agree with you, Ainsley. Come on, let's do this
tester | thing."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | STATUE: It's true. I should leave this place. I've been thinking about
tester | it for a long time, actually. I just have no idea where it is I'd
tester | actually go...
tester | .
tester | GLADIATOR: I don't know where I'm going to go, either. It's not
tester | looking like I can hide here any longer, after all. But maybe if you
tester | come with me -- wherever it is -- it won't be so bad, don't you think?
tester | .
tester | The gladiator takes the statue's hand as she steps down from the
tester | pedestal. They begin to walk away...
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Wait. No!" Brock runs frantically back on stage. "This isn't how the
tester | story ends, Ainsley. The statue has to stay, because if she goes, the
tester | whole thing becomes completely meaningless, and... well, she just
tester | can't leave! It's not right, I tell you!"
tester | .
tester | Goodness. Brock really does seem to be adamant that the original
tester | ending to the script be preserved. Then again, he's been criticising
tester | you all evening, and quite frankly, you're sick and tired of it. Do
tester | you try and placate him with hopes that he'll finally stop bothering
tester | you for once, or end the play right here and be done with it?
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - eager
tester | Erica - enthusiastic
tester | Brock - irritable
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl says, "Oh no."
Jacqueline says, "Choices are 'placate him' or 'end the play'"
genericgeekgirl says, "If we end it, we might lose him. Placating will bring him up, and the others still still be relaxed and eager, which is good-ish."
Jacqueline asks, "DW?"
DavidW says, "gee, tough call."
Jacqueline says, "I could save."
DavidW says, "yes, save please."
Jacqueline asks, "ggg?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Ok."
Jacqueline says, "Position: saved."
Jacqueline asks, "Now what?"
DavidW says, "end the play."
DavidW says, "We might turn Brock around before he leaves."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, sure."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "On the contrary, the more I think about it, the more I think modern
tester | audiences would prefer that the statue left with the gladiator. It
tester | just feels like the far more realistic option."
tester | .
tester | "Exactly!" Erica nods in approval. "Finally, someone gets it."
tester | .
tester | Brock sighs. "Well, I'm a purist. Sue me. But if it means we can get
tester | this over with and go home, I'm not complaining."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | The gladiator and the statue walk off the stage together as the lights
tester | slowly dim.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Not bad. Not bad at all. And the best part is, now you can finally get
tester | home and sleep!
tester | .
tester | "Great job, everyone," you announce as you get up from your chair.
tester | "I'll see you all at 4 PM this afternoon, right here in this very
tester | theatre. And for the sake of my sanity and that of your fellow cast
tester | members, please don't be late."
tester | .
tester | With that, the actors, looking just as happy to go home as you are,
tester | start to shuffle off and pack up their things.
tester | .
tester | On their way out, you spot Karl cornering Erica at the door. "Hey, uh,
tester | Erica? I was just wondering... you wanna go out for coffee before the
tester | show tomorrow? You know, to go over our lines and stuff?"
tester | .
tester | Erica grins back at him. "Sure, why not?"
tester | .
tester | "Great! Cuthbert's Coffee across the street at 2?"
tester | .
tester | "Sounds good to me. See you then." And with that, they both walk off
tester | in nervous elation. How adorable. Oh, to be young and attractive
tester | again.
tester | .
tester | Brock leaves next, pausing to glance at you before walking out the
tester | door, as if he wants to say something, but ultimately stays quiet.
tester | .
tester | Do you *speak to him*, perhaps in a last-ditch effort to make amends?
tester | Or maybe that's *not such a wise idea*.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | -----------
tester | Karl - eager
tester | Erica - enthusiastic
tester | Brock - irritable
tester | Henrietta - relaxed genericgeekgirl asks, "Speak to him?"
DavidW says, "speak to him"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Something I can help you with, Brock?"
tester | .
tester | He pauses for a second, and walks out the door, not saying so much as
tester | a word. So much for that.
tester | .
tester | As you yourself prepare to head out on your way, you turn towards the
tester | stage. "Henrietta? Go home. Get some sleep. It's late." From
tester | experience, you know she'll probably wind up falling asleep in the
tester | theatre if no one tells her to leave.
tester | .
tester | Henrietta steps into view. "All right, Ainsley. Lemme go lock up
tester | first."
tester | .
tester | "You do that. I'll wait for you."
tester | .
tester | As the two of you head outside, she grins at you. "Remember that time
tester | we did Smell Ya Later, Freddie Slater and that Arthur Whatsisface guy
tester | projectile vomited all over the stage? I gotta say, this wasn't
tester | anywhere near as bad as that, and we've still had plenty of work
tester | since. You gotta stop worrying so much."
tester | .
tester | You chuckle. She knows you well, and really, she's right. It could be
tester | so much worse. Setbacks happen, but somehow you manage to bounce back
tester | from them.
tester | .
tester | "Good night, Henrietta. And thank you again." With that, you amble off
tester | in your own separate directions, looking forward to a good night's
tester | sleep and hoping and praying that nothing blows up tomorrow.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | THE END
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | NOTHINGS FAIR IN ART, LOVE, OR WAR
tester | Kludge Theatre -- At first glance, it seems like just another rehash
tester | of the old James Dough play weve all come to know backwards and
tester | forwards, but a surprise twist ending puts a completely different spin
tester | on its overall theme. Whether it works or not is debatable, but its
tester | certainly interesting. Pleasantly enough, the two newcomer leads have
tester | surprising chemistry, making the otherwise hackneyed prose actually
tester | sound believable at times. Recommended.
tester | -- J. Astrid Fleck, The Transient Weekly Jacqueline says, "That might be the best we can get - it's not bad, really."
DavidW says, "woot!"
Jacqueline says, "But if you want, I'm happy to run it back and not speak to Brock, just to see if it changes things."
Jacqueline asks, "Maybe he speaks up on his own?"
DavidW says, "yeah, maybe."
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah, I'm curious."
Jacqueline says, "One sec."
genericgeekgirl says, "I've never seen an ending where he speaks up without you asking, but sometimes he responds really positively."
Jacqueline asks, "Well, wait. Our save is at placate-him-or-end-it. We ended it, but did we try placating?"
genericgeekgirl says, "My best ending was eager/enthusiastic/tired/relaxed."
DavidW says, "We didn't try placating, no."
genericgeekgirl says, "No, actually. I think I got eager/enthusiastic/eager/relaxed at one point."
Jacqueline says, "Okay, well, first off:"
Jacqueline says, "Not speaking to him seems not to change things, and people end off eager, enthusiastic, irritable, and relaxed."
Jacqueline says, "Now I'll go back and try placating."
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Well, Brock, the statue has spoken. If you want the artist to have
tester | her, the artist has to come out and convince her to stay."
tester | .
tester | "Oh, come on, you're not serious, are you?"
tester | .
tester | "Completely serious. This play needs to be believable. Now, are you
tester | going to try to win her back, or should we just end here and now?"
tester | .
tester | "All right, all right," sighs Brock.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: No! Stop right there! Where do you think you're going?
tester | .
tester | STATUE: I'm leaving. I'm tired of living this life, stuck on a
tester | pedestal and begging you for attention. I'd rather be spending my time
tester | with someone who actually enjoys my company.
tester | .
tester | ARTIST: Wait! You can't go! I do enjoy your company! You're the most
tester | important thing -- no, person -- in my life, and I'd be completely
tester | lost without you! Please, don't go!
tester | .
tester | STATUE: You know, I've been waiting for you to say that for ages.
tester | (pauses) But my decision still stands. I'm sorry. I have to go now.
tester | .
tester | The statue walks over to the artist, gives him a kiss on the cheek,
tester | then takes the gladiator's hand as they both walk offstage together.
tester | The artist glances over at the empty pedestal, a crestfallen look on
tester | his face.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Hrm. Kind of a bittersweet ending, and not really what the audience is
tester | expecting, but it's growing on you. It'll have to do, you suppose. For
tester | now, you're just relieved that you made it to the end without anything
tester | catastrophic happening.
tester | .
tester | "Great job, everyone," you announce as you get up from your chair.
tester | "I'll see you all at 4 PM this afternoon, right here in this very
tester | theatre. And for the sake of my sanity and that of your fellow cast
tester | members, please don't be late."
tester | .
tester | With that, the actors, looking just as happy to go home as you are,
tester | start to shuffle off and pack up their things.
tester | .
tester | On their way out, you spot Karl cornering Erica at the door. "Hey, uh,
tester | Erica? I was just wondering... you wanna go out for coffee before the
tester | show tomorrow? You know, to go over our lines and stuff?"
tester | .
tester | Erica grins back at him. "Sure, why not?"
tester | .
tester | "Great! Cuthbert's Coffee across the street at 2?"
tester | .
tester | "Sounds good to me. See you then." And with that, they both walk off
tester | in nervous elation. How adorable. Oh, to be young and attractive
tester | again.
tester | .
tester | Brock leaves next, pausing to glance at you before walking out the
tester | door, as if he wants to say something, but ultimately stays quiet.
tester | .
tester | Do you speak to him, perhaps in a last-ditch effort to make amends? Or
tester | maybe that's not such a wise idea.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | Cast & Crew
tester | Karl eager
tester | Erica enthusiastic
tester | Brock flustered
tester | Henrietta relaxed Jacqueline says, "This is slightly better, actually."
Jacqueline asks, "Speak to him?"
genericgeekgirl says, "Yeah"
DavidW says, "please"
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | "Something I can help you with, Brock?"
tester | .
tester | He pauses for a second, and walks out the door, not saying so much as
tester | a word. So much for that.
tester | .
tester | As you yourself prepare to head out on your way, you turn towards the
tester | stage. "Henrietta? Go home. Get some sleep. It's late." From
tester | experience, you know she'll probably wind up falling asleep in the
tester | theatre if no one tells her to leave.
tester | .
tester | Henrietta steps into view. "All right, Ainsley. Lemme go lock up
tester | first."
tester | .
tester | "You do that. I'll wait for you."
tester | .
tester | As the two of you head outside, she grins at you. "Remember that time
tester | we did Smell Ya Later, Freddie Slater and that Arthur Whatsisface guy
tester | projectile vomited all over the stage? I gotta say, this wasn't
tester | anywhere near as bad as that, and we've still had plenty of work
tester | since. You gotta stop worrying so much."
tester | .
tester | You chuckle. She knows you well, and really, she's right. It could be
tester | so much worse. Setbacks happen, but somehow you manage to bounce back
tester | from them.
tester | .
tester | "Good night, Henrietta. And thank you again." With that, you amble off
tester | in your own separate directions, looking forward to a good night's
tester | sleep and hoping and praying that nothing blows up tomorrow.
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | THE END
tester | .
tester | .
tester | .
tester | NOTHINGS FAIR IN ART, LOVE, OR WAR
tester | Kludge Theatre -- At first glance, it seems like just another rehash
tester | of the old James Dough play weve all come to know backwards and
tester | forwards, but a surprise twist ending puts a completely different spin
tester | on its overall theme. Whether it works or not is debatable, but its
tester | certainly interesting. Pleasantly enough, the two newcomer leads have
tester | surprising chemistry, making the otherwise hackneyed prose actually
tester | sound believable at times. Recommended.
tester | -- J. Astrid Fleck, The Transient Weekly Jacqueline says, "That ends with eager/enthusiastic/flustered/relaxed."
Jacqueline says, "Which, y'know, is better than irritated. I think."
genericgeekgirl says, "Darn. All right. Thanks for cutting-and-pasting, Jacq :)"
Jacqueline says, "You are most welcome."
DavidW says, "yes, thanks muchly, Jacqueline."
Jacqueline asks, "One more week before the New Year's (and thus New Year's Speed-IFs...). What came in next in the comp?"
Jacqueline goes to look.
genericgeekgirl says, "Perfect. "Escape from Santaland.""
Jacqueline says, "Ha"
Jacqueline says, "How... apropos."
DavidW says, "oh, I played that one."
Jacqueline says, "I started it but didn't go far, so I can play that one. And given that I won't be the bot next week, I can actually play more."
genericgeekgirl says, "Are we playing on Xmas, or moving it around? (I have no objections.)"
genericgeekgirl says, "But I presume others might."
Jacqueline says, "I am fine with doing it on the holiday."
Jacqueline says, "Given that it's not really a holiday we do."
DavidW says, "As far as I know, I'll be mudding for Christmas."
genericgeekgirl nods. "Sounds good."
Jacqueline says, "If we know we'll get at least a couple of regulars, I think that's enough."
DavidW says, "My folks are in Florida for the duration."
Jacqueline says, "Lots of people have played these, after all."
Jacqueline says, "So. Santaland it shall be! Convenient. Had it not been that way we would perhaps have played it regardless."
Jacqueline says, "I would say, 'Isn't it set on Christmas eve and maybe we should do it Saturday' except I think that would confuse things and that really, people are often as busy or busier on the eve as they are on the day."
tester | q
tester goes home.
tester has disconnected. DavidW says, "Thanks again for all the cut-n-paste."
Jacqueline says, "Absolutely."
Jacqueline says, "This was fun and worth doing."
djfletch says, "Hey cool you found a good ending."
DavidW says, "It took us a while."
djfletch says, "There's a huge plot diagram online somewhere that's interesting to look at."
djfletch says, "this: [LINK] "
Jacqueline exclaims (at djf), "I hadn't even realized you were with us. So sneaky and silent!"
djfletch says, "well more only half watching"
djfletch says, "I played it during the comp"
DavidW says, "Looks like we missed all the fight scenes by fixing the couch."
djfletch says, "yeah, I don't think I ever saw much of that part either."



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