katre says, "mmm, purring lapkitty"

katre says, "this is a good evening"

Jacqueline wants a kitty, but isn't allowed to have one on her terms.

katre says, "aww"

katre asks, "what are your terms?"

Jacqueline says, "My terms are that it will be a housecat, never to know the harsh realities of outdoor living."

katre says, "that's what my kitty does"

RogerCarbol says (to Jacqueline), "You need a bonsai kitty."
editors note: see http://www.bonsaikitten.com for the horrid details...

Bishop exclaims (at RC), "Yay!"

Jacqueline says, "John's terms are that it will stay outside, where it can't shed, tear up furniture, puke on carpet, or stink up the house."

katre says, "ofc, 'outdoor living' here means brooklyn, which is bad for kitties"

katre says (to jaq), "aww"

RogerCarbol says, "I imagine a kitty which stays outside in Alaska ends up a kitty popsicle, or possibly a wolf snack. Or both."

Jacqueline says, "Yes, it's all very sad. I had a wonderful kitten named Pumpkin, but Jon made me keep it outside, and it got eaten by a coyote. I will never have another outdoor kitty."

katre says, "!!!"

katre says, "my god"

Bishop says (to Jacqueline), "Eep."

Jacqueline says, "Yes. I don't want to talk about it."

RogerCarbol says, "Oh, that reminds me of a story. Quick, Robin, to the #story pole."

The remainder of this conversation occurred on #story:

RogerCarbol says, "So my boss, before he became my boss, worked as a forest ranger in one of those lonesome isolated towers."

RogerCarbol says, "Anyway, the other rangers would contact each other about once every hour during the day, just to chat a bit and ensure that no one had fallen off the tall ladders and broken themselves."

RogerCarbol says, "Well, one of my boss' coworkers was lonely, so he got a cat."

RogerCarbol says, "Which was fine, for a couple weeks. Then, one day, this guy wasn't checking in on the radio."

RogerCarbol says, "So my boss was about ready to hike all the way over there, expecting to find a busted-up body at the bottom of a ladder."

Jacqueline leans forward in suspense.

RogerCarbol says, "But then, as he was preparing to go, this guy checked in on the radio."

RogerCarbol says, "'Hi, Mike. Yes, I'm okay. Just very depressed.'"

katre says, "aww"

RogerCarbol says, "Remember my cat? Well, let me tell you something. Those bald eagles are pretty strong."

katre says, "eeeagh"

Bishop says, "Gleep."

RogerCarbol says, "One just wooshed down and picked it up and flew away over the horizon."

Jacqueline says, "**sigh** Yes, it happens."

ctate says, "wow"

Jacqueline says, "We have those here. That's why everyone has large dogs here, I think. One guy in town has a chihuahua, but he carries it everywhere and rarely lets it walk outside on its own."

RogerCarbol says, "--30--"

RogerCarbol says, "I imagine some of those big owls could fly off with a cat without breaking a sweat either."

Jacqueline says, "Probably, yes. Anyway, eventually I will get my way and have a kitty. I ask for very little, and keeping fish just isn't doing it for me."

RogerCarbol says, "Awww... I like fish."

(from Bishop) RogerCarbol says, "...with tartar sauce."

Jacqueline says, "Well, I do, too... but you can't **pet** them. They don't keep you warm. They don't talk to you."

RogerCarbol says, "They just stare with their awful inhuman unblinking eyes... they're great."

Jacqueline says, "hehe. Yes."

katre says, "if I woke up and my fish was sleeping on my chest I would not feel warm and happy"

RogerCarbol says, "Katre? Oh, he sleeps with the fishes."

Jacqueline says (to Katre), "Hah!"

Jacqueline says (to RogerCarbol), ""Double Hah!"

Bishop says, "One of these days I'll get a pet. Probably a bird."

RogerCarbol says, "Maybe you need something that can hold its own, like a puma or a hedgehog."

Jacqueline says, "I don't want to talk about fish, either. I went out of town for my grandmother's funeral and my fish died. It got sick and Jon didn't even ask me what he was supposed to do for it. Then he didn't tell me it was dead, because he didn't want me to buy another one. I can't get them here. Argh."

ctate says, "the concept 'pet puma' hurts my brane :)"

RogerCarbol says, "I sense some pet-related stresses in this household."

Bishop says (to Jacqueline), "You seem to have bad pet karma."

Jacqueline says, "I have terrible pet karma. I could keep going. I have another cat story and a goat story."

RogerCarbol says, "I vote for the goat story."

Bishop says, "Ooh, goat story."

RogerCarbol says, "ifMUD: Amused by the suffering of others since 95."

Psmith says, "we're on the right channel for it."

Jacqueline says, "I had a goat that I won in a bet with Jon. I made him buy it for me. Then we went away for the weekend and we had a neighbor watch the goat. I was gone two measily days and it 'ran away.' I think the neighbor ate it, but I have yet to prove anything."

ctate says, "there actually is a #schadenfreude channel :)"

Bishop says (to RC), "Hey, we're sometimes supportive here. If it was on #angst or #rant, we'd be sympathetic."

RogerCarbol says, "What, we're supposed to be sympathetic on #angst and #rant? Oh crap."

ctate says (to Jacqueline), "awww"

Psmith says (to Bishop), "that's what #sympathy is for."

RogerCarbol says (to ctate), "Man, those Germans have a channel for everything."

ctate says (to RC), "blame Nietzsche :)"

Jacqueline says, "I had a room mate watch a PacMan frog for me in college. She let his cage dry out and he died of dessication, trapped in his plastic coffin."

Jacqueline begins to think that maybe she shouldn't have pets, and children, too, for that matter.

ctate says (to J), "boy, you DO have evil pet karma"

ctate says (to J), "also, you'll find a certain amount of sympathy on ifmud for the no-kids idea."

Bishop says, "The moral of the story, I think, is to never let anybody you live with care for anything."

Bishop says, "Given that all these stories seem to involve either active or passive complicity on the part of your housemate."

RogerCarbol says, "Alright, I have a lot of pet latitude, but Pacman toads are pretty pathetic, even as far as toads go. Pet rocks are more animated."

Jacqueline says (to RogerCarbol), "But they're so **cute**!"

Jacqueline says, "It's like having your very own Jabba the Hut."

ctate asks, "wait a minute... pacman frogs, naked mole rats... what IS it with ifmud wimmin's idea of cute?"

Jacqueline says, "Heh."

Jacqueline asks (of Bishop), "I think you're probably right. So do I take my next pet with me everywhere I go?"

ctate says (to J), "only if his name is Lars, and is a ski instructor... ;)"

Jacqueline says (to ctate), "Jon *definitely* wouldn't let me have a pet like that."

RogerCarbol says, "Maybe some sort of parasite you could attach to your person."

Bishop says, "In today's heightened paranoia climate, that could make for fun scenes at airports."

Jota asks, "How about Siamese fighting fish?"

RogerCarbol says, "As far as I can tell, there's no reason why any sane person wouldn't want you to have a cat."

ctate asks (of roger), "um. hair? allergies? an objection to having the apartment smell like ammonia all the time?"

Ryan asks, "Ammonia?"

RogerCarbol says (to ctate), "Sheer madness."

Jacqueline says (to jota), "I had a Siamese fighting fish, named Mr. Fish. He lived to a ripe old age and died of natural causes. My karma isn't all bad."

Bishop says (to Jacqueline), "I think you should just have the pet be house-sat by someone you're not living with. It'll look kind of wierd, but if you explain it to them, they'll prolly understand."

Jacqueline says (to Bishop), "That's an idea."

Jota asks (of Bishop), "So she was living with her neighbor?"

Jacqueline says (to jota), "Ooooooh. Good point."

RogerCarbol says, "Or just pretend the animals in the zoo are your pets."

Jacqueline asks (of RogerCarbol), "That's not really good considering there's no zoo here. Are you suggesting I get a screen saver that looks like an aquarium?"

RogerCarbol says, "Nah, you'd probably kill it."

Bishop says (to jacq), "Or subscribe to the Aquarium Channel."

Jacqueline says, "heh."

Jacqueline says, "I'm leaving town in April and will be going through a major town. I have to decide what living critter to purchase before then."

RogerCarbol says, "Speaking of pets dying, I should see if I can find that Onion article about the kid's ant farm somewhere."

RogerCarbol says, "Ah, here it is: http://www.theonion.com/onion3621/ant_farm.html"

RogerCarbol says, "Some of their best work, I think."

ctate says, "mmm, i got to touch someone's pet tiger once"

maga_dogg says (to ctate), "closest to that I ever got was wolves. but I got to wrestle with 'em."

ctate says (to maga), "yow"

ctate says (to maga), "also, this was through the mesh of the cage, so probably Doesn't Count except in a technical sense."

maga_dogg says (to ctate), "mmm... sort of. if an apex predator wants to get ya, cage mesh is not going to save your fingers"

maga_dogg says, "so on the threat front, it's kind-of-valid"

ctate says (to maga), "well yeah. she was lying against it though; i doubt she could have gotten up & turned faster than i could pull my hand away. it was fun & creepy anyway, though."

ctate says, "tiger fur is surprisingly stiff & bristly."

Bishop asks, "Get something fun to kill. A chinchilla, maybe?"

mcp says (to bishop), "uh, you know that sargent is a chinchilla owner ..."

Bishop says (to mcp), "I do now. I suppose he'll never invite me to visit, then."

Jacqueline says, "I know! Sea monkeys!"

RogerCarbol says, "I've kept sea monkeys, but only as food for my other pets."

katre says (to jaq), "be careful of sea monkeys"

Jacqueline says, "Sea monkeys frighten me. I don't think I want to go there."

katre still remembers the fateful night his girlfriend made split-pea sea monkey soup

Jacqueline says, "ewwww."

katre says (to jaq), "well, it wasn't on purpose"

Jota asks (of katre), "How does one do that?"

katre says, "the sea monkeys were on a raised bit of the counter next to where she was making the soup"

Bishop says, "Get a spider plant. If Jon can kill it, he has herbicidal properties of great value to humanity."

katre says, "and as she was walking behind them, her elbows got frisky"

Jota says, "Ah.... Ur."

ctate says, "sea cucumber, sea monkey, whatever. it's all soup."

Jacqueline says, "I want a lizard, salamander, or frog. Something small. But it has to not require live food, because I can't keep up with that here."

Jacqueline says, "Although, a hedgehog would make for interesting conversation."

RogerCarbol says, "Iguanas will eat dead things, I think."

Jacqueline says, "heh. I had an iguana, but Jon made me give it away. It was too big and creepy for him. I guess it has to be small, like a chameleon."

RogerCarbol says (to Jacqueline), "Especailly if it isn't a pygmy."

maga_dogg says (to Jacq), "I advise Whites' treefrogs. They're extremely resilient, unlike most reptiles/amphibians, and they'll eat anything that moves."

maga_dogg says, "they are, of course, the most stupid animals on the planet, but hey"

ctate says, "ooh - arrow frogs :)"

ctate asks (of Jacq), "a gecko, maybe?"

Jacqueline says, "I have a really bad pet karma story about a gecko... heh"

RogerCarbol is surprised and shocked.

Jacqueline says, "I had a pair of them, and one got out. We never found him... we looked for days in the apartment. Eventually, when moving out, we found him..."

Jacqueline says, "...stuck to a piece of sticky fly-paper under the stove. It was terrible."

RogerCarbol says, "That's pretty much how I found my bombina orientalis. Little frog. Now a mummified very very flat frog."

RogerCarbol says, "Looked a lot like the Bullfrog Software logo, actually."

Ryan says, "We had a hamster that escaped from its cage once. We eventually found it under the sink after it had gorged itself on dishwasher soap and died."

Jacqueline says (to Ryan), "You're starting to work your way into the bad pet karma race. I'm in the lead, though. heh."

Jacqueline says, "I had geckos, and I had white's frogs... they require crickets, and I can't deal with that here."

ctate asks (of jacq), "no local critters that you can feed to a gecko?"

maga_dogg exclaims (at Jacqueline), "whites' don't need crickets!"

Jacqueline asks (of maga_dogg), "They don't? What do you feed them?"

maga_dogg says, "I spent ages feeding mine frozen baby mice"

maga_dogg says (to Jacqueline), "they'll eat anything that moves enough"

Jacqueline says (to maga_dogg), "Well, that's the problem. I'd have to mail order something. I used to keep crickets for my frogs, but they're a pain. We don't really have insects here to speak of... at least not six-eight months a year."

maga_dogg says, "I fed mine dead newborn mice for ages. you can get 'em from most petshops, freeze and then defrost, and wiggle around in front of the frog's nose"

maga_dogg says, "or, if you run out of mice, catfood nuggets dusted in vitamin powder"

maga_dogg says, "ofc, you have to wiggle the thing about in front of the frog's nose, and then extract your fingers from its vice-like maw"

RogerCarbol says, "I'm sure you could use tongs or something."

maga_dogg says (to RC), "yeah, but tongs might hurt the frog"

maga_dogg says, "it doesn't have teeth, so you just have to pull your fingers out without damaging it"

RogerCarbol says, "Or wear it as a fashion accessory. Hey man, nice toad."

maga_dogg says, "usually if you suspend it by its mouth for long enough and shake it about gently it lets go"

Jacqueline asks (of maga_dogg), "How long can they go on a mouse?"

maga_dogg says (to Jacqueline), "mmm, depends on the size of the frog and how fat you want to keep it... a week's about the median"

Jacqueline says, "Well now, that wouldn't be bad."

Jacqueline says, "Frozen food I can deal with."

Jacqueline files away the idea of something that eats tiny, helpless, defenseless, frozen meeces.

RogerCarbol says, "You Are a Pacman Toad! Boy, that'd be dull."

Jacqueline asks (of RogerCarbol), "Who you callin' a Pac Man toad?"

Jacqueline asks (of RogerCarbol), "Or is that a CYOA I missed out on as a kid?"

RogerCarbol says, "You Are a ! is sorta a running joke, but mostly only to me."

maga_dogg asks (of RC), "You haven't played Chef?"

Storme says (to Jacqueline), "it's a riff on You Are a Chef!"

RogerCarbol says, "Shamefully, I haven't actually played it, though of course I've heard of it."

RogerCarbol says, "Mudskippers are creepier than most other fish."

maga_dogg says, "my aunt once had a boyfriend who kept pythons"

maga_dogg says, "and one time she was feeding the token Big Fuck-Off Python and it bit her"

ctate says (to maga), "ow!"

Bishop asks (of maga_dogg), "How understanding was the bf about all of this?"

Bishop just realized he hasn't seen the house snake in a while.

maga_dogg says (to Bishop), "he was an evil motherfucker, to be fair. She got rid of him shortly after. I forget his exact reaction."

Bishop says, "My father's housemate kept constrictors. My mother woke up one day to find it wrapped around her."

ctate says, "eeek"

maga_dogg says, "she couldn't pull it off, so she went outside, bleeding away, and stuck her arm in the pond until the thing ran out of air and let go"

Ryan says, "Big Fuck-Off Python is my favourite scripting language."

RogerCarbol says, "Keep a family of rats. Preferably outside."

ctate says, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek"

RogerCarbol says, "Obviously, no one on ifMUD has happy pet stories. They're all tragic."

Bishop says, "Hey, I had fish. They died of natural causes at random intervals, so we replaced them with new, indistinguishable fish. That's not a tragic story."

Jota says, "I've never had a pet die of unnatural causes either."

RogerCarbol says, "You could try a very small and harmless snake."

Bishop says, "For whatever reason, an awful lot of otherwise rational people get all wierd about snakes."

Jota asks (of Bishop), "Where 'weird' == 'expecting to get bitten'?"

Bishop says (to Jota), "Well, yes. But for itty-bitty non-poisonous snakes, the fear's often out of proportion to actual danger."

Jota says (to Bishop), "I imagine you're rather more likely to be bitten by a tiny non-poisonous snake than a puppy dog, though."

RogerCarbol says, "I saw a nautilus at a local fish store here. Very cool. Probably doomed, but way cool."

Bishop says (to RC), "I have a nautilus, but it's dead. They're pretty interesting that way too."

Jacqueline says, "Any other ideas? Salamanders can be made to eat shrimp pellets, I think. I had some that used to."

RogerCarbol says, "Alligator."

Jacqueline says (to RogerCarbol), "I think they get big, and they don't like Alaska."

Jacqueline says, "Must get a pet. Must nurture. Must use motherly instincts."

(from RogerCarbol) Jacqueline says, "Must kill again."

Jacqueline says, "HAH! Shame on you, Roger!"

Bishop says (to Jacqueline), "And the cycle of violence is perpetuated... hmm, we could be on '60 Minutes' or somesuch."

maga_dogg says, "Avoid green anoles, or any small lizards. They stop eating on any pretext and die quickly."

RogerCarbol says, "For fragility reasons, I'd avoid most herps, ya."

RogerCarbol says, "Some sort of quasi-contained vivarium might be suitable."

Jacqueline says, "Okay. Suggest a mammal then. Something that's not messy or smelly, with a personality."

Bishop says (to Jacqueline), "Most mammals are smelly."

maga_dogg says, "mammals are, by definition, messy and smelly"

maga_dogg says, "also, what bishop said"

Jacqueline says, "Exactly! Hence, the desire for a herp."

RogerCarbol says, "Pygmy hedgehogs don't smell like much, I don't think."

RogerCarbol says, "There's avians, too."

maga_dogg says, "get a human. they generally wash themselves."

Bishop says (to maga_dogg), "Some of them do. Coming from a tech school, I'm inclined to disagree."

maga_dogg says (to Bishop), "so get an arts student human. jeez"

RogerCarbol says, "Or maybe a nice protozoa."

Jacqueline says, "Maybe I should be satisfied with the things I'm hosting in my digestive tract."

maga_dogg exclaims, "get a tapeworm!"

maga_dogg exclaims, "all the fun of a pet, *and* you stay thin!"

Jacqueline says, "I'd *love* to get one of those... I think they're safer than dexitrim. heh."

RogerCarbol says, "Harbour a candiru. Erm, wait; nevermind."
editors note: see http://www.urbanlegends.com/animals/candiru_urethra.html for the extremely horrid details...

maga_dogg exclaims (at RC), "All the fun of a pet, with added incredible agony and sexual dysfunction!"

Bishop exclaims, "Mealworms, too. Revive the hilarity of 4th grade science class!"

Jacqueline says, "Fiddler crabs are kind of fun. Evil. But fun."

RogerCarbol says, "Don't think turtles don't get messy and stinky, cause they do."

Jacqueline says, "I know... I've kept three of them. Don't worry - natural causes claimed them all."

Jacqueline says, "That's it! A squirrel monkey!"

RogerCarbol says, "Sugar gliders tend to be pretty neurotic."

maga_dogg says, "any monkey will be very very expensive, very attention-demanding, and very destructive"

RogerCarbol says, "And probably not wear pants."

maga_dogg says, "but mostly very expensive"

Jacqueline says, "And so we come back to the chatter bot I keep that can't learn his own name. **sigh**"

RogerCarbol says, "Maybe some sort of naked mole."

Jacqueline says, "It's cold here, Roger."

RogerCarbol says, "Knit him a nice sweater."

maga_dogg says (to RC), "MOLE RATS ARE HIDEOUS"

maga_dogg says, "THEY LOOK LIKE A SHRIVELLED PENIS WITH TEETH AND CLAWS"

RogerCarbol says (to maga), "Didn't mean to trigger any repressed memories."

maga_dogg says, "DO NOT GET A MOLE RAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO THROW UP EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IT"

Jacqueline says, "I thought about one of those naked kitties... like Mr. Bigglesworth... that reduces the shedding part of Jon's argument against cats."

Bishop says, "Hairless mammals are mostly disgusting."

maga_dogg says, "the whole point of getting mammal pets is that they be fluffy"

Jacqueline says, "**sigh** Okay. Agreed, m_d."

RogerCarbol says, "Get a llama and keep her outside."

mcp asks, "elephant?"

Jacqueline says, "Not unless I get the elephant out of Metamorphosis."

mcp says, "parsergirl was cooing over a hedgehog earlier today.."

maga_dogg says (to Jacqueline), "you have caribou up Alaska way, right? So eat fly agaric and piss in the snow. Voila, your own herd of hallucinating reindeer."

Jacqueline says, "hmmm..."

maga_dogg says, "Of course, by this point you'll be a) hallucinating too and b) psychotically violent, so they can be any pet you want them to be, at least before you kill them"

Jacqueline says, "I'll go to the pet store in May and see what turns up. In the meantime, my fishtank looks empty."

RogerCarbol says, "Giant Panda."

Ryan says, "Pet lobster."

maga_dogg says, "Get your own gib chunk."

Jota says, "Minotaur."

Jacqueline says (to Jota), "Minotaur is out of the question anyway... we've already determined that mammals are stinky and messy, and I'm sure Minotaurs are the epitome of this."

RogerCarbol says, "At least he wouldn't get lost."

Jacqueline says, "hehe."

Jacqueline says, "More than I can say for my goat."

RogerCarbol asks, "Also, wasn't someone who kept a deer as a pet horribly killed last year some time?"

Jacqueline quits listening to Roger, maga_dogg, Jota, and Ryan, who have all obviously lost touch with reality.

Bishop says, "Put a mammal in your fishtank. Maybe an otter."

Jacqueline says, "It's a one gallon tank, Bishop."

Bishop says, "Well, he'll just have to learn to cope."

RogerCarbol says, "Bonsai Weasel"

RogerCarbol says, "I've got four danio in my 2gal."

Jota says, "A mammal could drown in that."

Ryan says, "I've always wanted a bunch of pet preying mantises. They're clean and they kill other bugs."

RogerCarbol says, "And they're pious."

Jota asks (of Jacq), "A tarantula?"

RogerCarbol says, "A tarantella."

Jacqueline says, "heh."

RogerCarbol says, "I always pictured Alaskans refusing to keep any animal which wasn't working, pulling sleds or some such. Or chasing down stray children and eating them."

RogerCarbol says, "No wonder those robot pets are selling so well."

[ MORE PET KARMA ]

[ TOP OF THIS PAGE | MORE IF | MORE ifMUD | HOME ]