Note: If you haven't read about my
bad pet karma before, start here:
Why I Have Bad Pet Karma

Further Analysis of My Pet Karma
And How Others Have it Just as Bad
Also, Emily Invents the World's First Submersible Kitty
(as discussed on ifMUD May 4, 2002)
editors note: edited for flow

Gunther idles for the war against the newts.

Jacqueline sincerely hopes that the newts win.

BrenBarn says, "ha!"

jess says, "heh"

Jacqueline says, "Yay! Newts! That's what I want to break my bad pet karma. A newt."

Jacqueline says, "I once had a newt. It's name was minute (pronounced my-newt... get it??)."

jess says, "ahahahah. nice"

jess asks, "how about a duck?"

Jacqueline says, "Ducks require things I don't have, jess. Like a pond."

jess says, "oh, i just meant a rubber duck. they're easy to take care of."

jess grins.

Jacqueline says, "Oh. Now see, I have one of those already."

jess says, "heh."

BrenBarn says, "yay rubber ducky"

jess asks, "and how is he doing?"

jess says, "or she, my apologies"

Jacqueline says, "No, it's a he."

jess says, "okay."

Jacqueline says, "He sits on the back of my toilet in my bathroom... I see him several times a day. Wait. #WTMI"

jess says, "haha"

maga asks (of Jacqueline), "dear oh dear. you really have a naive view of what actually goes on on #wtmi, don't you?"

jess says (to maga), "heheh"

Jacqueline says (to maga), "Heh. I'm a subscriber to #WTMI, baby."

BrenBarn says, "subscriber, heh"

maga says, "actually, dear lord, you are."

jess says, "she gets the digest."

Jacqueline says, "Heh."

jess says, "heh. #WTMI Digest would be interesting"

jess says, "you could charge good money for that in some venues"

maga says (to jess), "just think of all the fun things you could digest"

jess says (to maga), "ew."

jess says, "i need a dog"

jess says, "can't keep one right now though"

Jacqueline says, "Right now the closest thing I have to a pet it Links the Kitty, whom I use as an assistant in MS Outlook."

BrenBarn says (to Jacq), "ooh, that's sad"

jess says (to Jacqueline), "But you don't have to feed it at least, or clean up a litter box..."

Jacqueline says, "Links makes the right noises. He purrs, he meows, he sends my e-mail. He's a good kitty."

jess says (to Jacqueline), "The only kind to have. And i bet he wouldn't make me sneeze, either"

Jacqueline says, "Unfortunately, he can't curl up with me in front of the TV, but I'm working on that."

jess says, "heh."

BrenBarn says, "get a projection screen and project him onto your lap"

maga says, "cat without fluffiness is like coffee without caffeine"

maga says, "sure, it's quite nice, but it doesn't get the job done"

Jacqueline says, "I think I may look for a newt when I'm in Anchorage in a couple of weeks - I have a one gallon fish tank sitting empty."

Jacqueline says, "And I'm over having fish."

jess says, "ew, fish."

jess says, "me too"

thumper says, "newts are funny because their front and back feet have different number of toes."

jess says, "cool"

ctate says, "you could have a salamander and set FIRE to things!"

ctate says, "err, wait..."

Jacqueline says, "Actually, the newt I had was a fire-belly newt."

Jacqueline says, "Once, when I was in college, in a dorm, he got out and wandered away."

Jacqueline says, "I came home to this light blinking on my answering machine."

(From jess) Jacqueline says, "He'd taken off to New Mexico and decided to call me to let me know he'd left me for a toad."

Jacqueline says, "One of the girls in my hall had found him and was keeping him in a bowl of water for me."

BrenBarn says, "'bowl' is a funny word"

Jacqueline says, "This meant that my newt had climbed out, walked across my living room, taken a left, walked down the hall..."

Jacqueline says, "Gone under the door, taken another left, walked past two elevators, taken another left..."

Jacqueline says, "And walked twenty more feet down another hall to where he was found."

jess says (to Jacqueline), "wacky. so i'm not that far off..."

Jacqueline says, "What a little adventurer Minute was. Yay!"

jess says, "hehe"

BrenBarn says, "heh"

maga says, "I kept Whites'. they were awful for escaping"

Jacqueline says, "Of course, it was lock-down on the tank after that."

Jacqueline says, "I just kept thinking how he could have accidentally taken an elevator and I never would have seen him again. Eep!"

Jacqueline says, "But luckily I was the dorm-mommy, and all the residents on that floor knew me and knew I had a newt."

BrenBarn asks, "knew you had a new nude newt?"

jess says, "well, that's good"

Jacqueline says, "Which was only legal because it (sort of) passed the dorm rule that it was a pet that could be submerged under water for long periods of time."

Jacqueline says, "A rule which was supposed to apply to fish, but I stretched it a bit."

Jacqueline says, "Because fish don't generally escape and run away in a dorm."

BrenBarn says, "'fish' is a funny word too"

Jacqueline says, "I had one fish who tried to escape... a hatchet tetra. He didn't live long enough to tell his tale of adventure."

Jacqueline says, "I found him curled up on his side on the carpet in my room."

Jacqueline says, "Hence, another facet of my bad pet karma."

jess says, "we had a big lizard craze in my dorm for a year or so"

jess says, "but that stopped when one girl's lizard got loose and managed to get another loose one pregnant"

BrenBarn says, "whoa"

BrenBarn says (to jess), "so these lizards really were 'loose'!"

jess says (to BB), "lovely"

Jacqueline says, "Yay!"

jess says, "they found both of them eventually, and realized the one was pregnant when there were little lizards all over the place"

Jacqueline says, "Loose Lizards getting it on! Woo!"

Emily says, "a lizard in fishnet stockings... hmm"

maga says (to Emily), "shedding skin"

jess says (to maga), "ew."

jess asks (of maga), "so do they give "shed-tease" dances?"

jess says, "but needless to say, the girls both got busted"

Jacqueline says, "What for? For pimping lizards? Sheesh."

jess says (to Jacqueline), "Well, lizards were technically not allowed, because they weren't submerged"

BrenBarn says, "ha!"

BrenBarn says, "you are hereby charged with running a house of ill re-newt!"

maga says (to Bren), "aagh"

Jacqueline says (to BB), "Yay!!!"

jess says (to Bren), "hah"

Jacqueline says, "I also had an African dwarf frog, named Skippy, who lived in my room under the submerged rule."

Jacqueline says, "But he really stayed submerged. He lived in a full ten gallon tank with fish. That's how they are, you know."

jess says, "wow."

Jacqueline says, "And Skippy was cool, because he made little ribbit noises at night, and lived forever. The pet store I bought him from couldn't believe it."

BrenBarn says, "hee hee"

Jacqueline says, "They never had the frogs get old enough to make noise... and mine lived for four or five years."

Jacqueline says, "My pet karma, as I have stated previously, is not entirely tainted."

BrenBarn says, "perhaps you will be reincarnated as a wandering newt"

jess says, "awe"

Jacqueline says (to BB), "Well, if we get reincarnated, I hope so. So long as I find a clear, pollution-free stream in the Smoky Mountains for a home."

Jacqueline says, "And if they weren't so ugly, I'd want to come back as a Hell Bender, just because of the name."

Jacqueline says, "But they're ugly, so I want to come back as a Red Eft."

Jacqueline says, "Which are cute and fire-engine red."

jess wants to come back as a Golden Retriever

HairBrain wants to come back as the Giant Foot.

Emily says, "I'm now picturing someone genetically breeding swimming cats, submarine birds, etc., to get around the submerged-pet rule"

jess says, "ahahaha"

Jacqueline says, "Yay! Except breeding swimming cats will take years, if only for the psychological adjustments that would be necessary."

Emily says, "well sure"

BrenBarn says, "I was thinking you could hang a bag of water from your ceiling and then say the pet lived 'under water'"

Emily says, "but think of the advantages"

jess says (to Bren), "Nice."

Emily says, "they wouldn't shed on your clothes"

Emily says, "and they wouldn't scratch the furniture"

jess asks, "would they need gills?"

Jacqueline says, "Oh sure, Emily... and no alergic reactions. I see where you're going."

Emily says, "they'd just float slowly to and fro, looking majestic and sometimes bumping their noses on the glass"

jess says, "i wouldn't consider them a cat anymore then. i'd consider them fish."

ctate laughs.

jess inserts obligatory catfish joke here

BrenBarn says, "mm, catfish"

Emily says (to jess), "FULLY CAT SHAPED!"

jess asks (of Emily), "Oh, like chicken nuggets?"

Jacqueline says, "But, as a classics major, you're probably not educated in the ways of genetic tinkering... quick, though, sell your idea to a genetic engineering firm and become rich!"

Emily says, "and if you take it out of the water, it does have pettable fur, though only for a few minutes until it's asphyxiated"

jess says, "chopped and formed"

jess says (to Emily), "heh."

maga says (to Emily), "but real cats are really icky and pathetic and unpettable when wet"

Emily says (to maga), "right, so we'd have to make it sort of like seal fur or something"

jess says, "i don't know why, but that evoked a chicken-nugget reaction. i mean, they're shaped into different things...stars, sea creatures, dinosaurs...cats"

jess says (to maga), "heh"

Jacqueline asks, "So, I have a submerged cat story. Shall we #story, people?"

jess says, "heh"

Emily says, "sure"

maga asks, "you'd have to coat them with some sort of oily stuff. and who wants oily cat?"

Emily says (to maga), "YOU ARE SUCH A WET BLANKET"

Emily says, "A WET CATFUR BLANKET"

ctate says, "AN OILY BLANKET"

maga says (to Emily), "why thank you"

Gunther returns.

Meanwhile, on #story:

jess has joined the channel.

jess says, "i'll bite"

Jacqueline says, "Okay, so a ranger in our park has this really surly cat."

Jacqueline says, "And I once asked why it was so surly."

Jacqueline says, "And it's surly because of this traumatic event:"

Jacqueline says, "In college, when this ranger and his wife were only dating, she had this cat."

Jacqueline says, "And every once in a while it would get all wound up and do an Indy 500 type series of laps around the living room."

Jacqueline says, "And it would involve multiple levels of the living room..."

Jacqueline says, "...including going up the recliner and over the top of the fish tank."

Jacqueline says, "A fish tank which, ordinarily, had a lid on it."

Emily says, "snr"

Jacqueline says, "But one day, they decided to clean the fish tank."

jess says, "oh no"

Jacqueline says, "And they had most of the water drained out, and were using some chemicals of some sort in the tank."

Jacqueline says, "And the cat got in its mood."

Jacqueline says, "And when he did the recliner-fish-tank-trick, he, of course, fell in."

BrenBarn asks, "into the chemicals?"

Jacqueline says, "And so he shot straight up and started tearing things apart."

Gunther says, "and he mutated into SUPERCAT"

BrenBarn says, "then he terrorized Tokyo"

jess says, "hahah"

Jacqueline says, "And my friends were so busy laughing that they didn't help the cat at first."

Jacqueline says, "Ha."

Emily asks (of Jacqueline), "aw. and its pride was hurt?"

Jacqueline says, "And so finally, they manage to get the cat trapped in the bathroom, where they forced it under the shower to remove said chemicals."

BrenBarn says, "ooh, that is traumatic indeed"

Jacqueline says, "And then they shut the door to the bathroom, leaving the cat in the tub to calm down."

Jacqueline says, "And the bathroom gets very quiet."

ctate says, "eeeek"

BrenBarn says, "ooh, this is gruesome"

Jacqueline says, "And after 30 minutes or so, they open the door to see what's going on with the cat."

ctate says, "and the cat ESPLODES!"

Jacqueline says, "And it's just sitting there in the tub, shaking."

Emily says, "awwwww"

Jacqueline says, "And twitching."

ctate says, "ohh!"

Jacqueline says, "And it's so pathetic."

maga says, "few things are more pathetic than a drenched cat"

Jacqueline says (to maga), "Exactly."

jess says, "poor kitty!"

Jacqueline says, "So they dried it with a towl and started being nice to it, since it had 'calmed down.'"

Jacqueline says, "But the cat was never, ever the same again."

Jacqueline says, "</story>"

jess says, "as much as i don't care for cats, i don't like to see or hear of them twitching"

Jacqueline says, "Heehee."

Jacqueline says, "But, on the bright side, this cat is alive and well twelve years later, biting and scratching strangers who enter their home."

jess says, "Lovely."

Jacqueline says, "Yes."

maga says, "we had a sort of border collie mongrel sort of dog that would sit in the pond when it got too hot. which, in southern africa, it did a lot. then he would tear around the garden at 500 miles an hour to dry off. Then he would overdo it, get hot and exhausted, and sit in the pond again."

ctate says, "yay"

maga says, "he would do this ALL DAY"

jess says, "hahah...i envy dogs sometimes"

Emily says, "see"

Emily says, "submersible cats would solve ALL THESE THINGS AT ONCE"

jess says, "So they all *did* live happily ever after."

Jacqueline says, "Sure, this cat comes up to you, asking - nay, begging - for affection."

Jacqueline says, "And the owners just look at you and say, 'Don't even *think* about petting that cat. It is the spawn of Satan.'"

BrenBarn says, "ha!"

jess says (to Jacqueline), "heheh"

Jacqueline says, "But it's still nice to them for some reason."

maga says (to Jacqueline), "one word: catfood"

jess says (to maga), "cat food is two words, sport."

jess says, "i was thinking more along the lines of "Whisker Lickins'""

ctate asks, "and then you pet it, and it rips out your spleen, and the owners shake their heads in an i-told-you-so kind of way as they call 911?"

jess says (to ctate), "exaaaactly"

Jacqueline says (to ctate), "Well, sort of. He's a ranger, so he's also an EMT."

ctate says, "hehehe"

Jacqueline says, "Also, this is going up on the web site as Pet Karma II."

ctate says, "hey, this wasn't YOUR pet"

ctate says, "don't be claiming other folks' karma"

Jacqueline says, "Well, the whole conversation, ctate - starting with the newt exploration story."

Jacqueline says, "The previous pet karma discussion included a cat swept away by an eagle - a cat that didn't belong to me."

ctate says, "okay, i'll accept the wandering newt"

ctate says, ""wandering newt" is funny :)"

maga says, "it refused to give jesus slime, and was cursed for evermore"

jess says, "amen."

Meanwhile, back in the Lounge:

<TableSaw> bitch-slapping is a woefully underused art amongst the intelligensia.

TableSaw: Whimsical, miracle-working monk. Emblem: bishop on bridge giving a cat to the Devil.

TableSaw says, "Briefre"

jess says (to TS), "hola"

BrenBarn says (to jess), "I say hola all the time"

ctate says, "copycatfood"

Jacqueline says (to ctate), "That's three words."

jess says (to Bren), "I know. i'm just being saturdayish"

BrenBarn says, "copynewt"

jess says (to ctate), "i dunno, the copier might get a little smelly..."

Gunther asks, "did me reading "The War Against the Newts" spark off all this?"

ctate says (to Gunther), "yes"

Jacqueline says, "May the Circle Be Unbroken. By and by, Lord, by and by."

Jacqueline says, "Wait - taking it to #bluegrass."

jess says, "heh"

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